"Are you okay?"

And how I hate that question more than anything. Because then again I have to force a smile and say, "yeah fine." or "doing great"  And I have to lie all over again. I don't know when I started to lie, or who taught me to. But one thing is clear, I'm not okay. How can I be? When was the last time I breath not for the sake of living but because I am happy to do so. My life's been turned upside down and sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

So please next time, do me a favor and don't ask me if I'm okay so I won't say another lie and fake another smile.

Take My Carrots!

Ganun pala talaga yun, na kahit na alam mo na what's coming and somehow prepared ka na for that. Pero when it blows right in your face masakit pa din. Na hindi mo pa din maiwasang masaktan ng todo kahit na alam mo na na mangyayari yun. Na kahit gaano ka kaprepare, mentally and emotionally iba pa din pag-anjan na yung real deal. Iba pa din yung sakit na naiisip mo sa sakit na mararanasan mo. And worst, kahit na alam mong anjan na wala kang magawa kundi salubungin yun.

Smells like Trouble

Don't know if I should laugh or cry or worry. But I feel like smiling tho. My dad kept on reminding me to act and speak like a lady cos for the love of heavens I'm 21 years old. But I don't know how to act like a laaaady! Haha. Geez. I'm overly dramatic when he told me that. I throw my favorite lines like " I'm your daughter you should love me as me" and  "what's wrong with me? Of all people? You're my faaaather" and "you can't change over night." Haha and yes I said that as is with my high pitched voice, puppy eyes and of course I'm trolling my dad cos I missed him. His reaction was epic, the way his eyes turned big with shock but gentle and his nose, it's like a chimney. You can see smoke coming out haha. I should've took a video for remembrance sake but yes I did promise him that I will act like a lady...when I start working. So I still have few more months to do my baby talk and act foolish. This answer made him call for mama for help but basically my mom is my saving grace, she loves to pamper me and thinks it's ok the way I am so my dad walked out. Talk about girl power. But when my dad is out of ear shot my mom told me that my dad is right, I should lower the volume of my voice when I talk, the way I laugh where in you can see my gums, count my teeth and say hello to my velum. I should be more aware of my surroundings. My dad is just worried  and so does my mom, and it is for the very fact that I act like a 5 year old kid is the very reason why they won't let me have a boyfriend (but I can't tell them that I can't have any even if I want too ha), they mutually agree (I don't know when they have a talk. Oh my, they're talking behind my back? Ok back to what I'm saying), that if I have a boyfriend the boy can easily lure me to marriage cos I'm all innocent and don't know how to say NO. I can't argue with that, I mean the 'I can't say NO' part but the innocent part? I think when it comes to big decisions such as MARRIAGE I can pretty much use my brain and couple of common sense haha. So I just nod my head because I know they're right. So hello to the new me! Wait. Can I do that?

PS

Yes mom, yes dad, I am childish but not immature ;)

Hooray For Today

And I've never been this happy and sad at the same time. Never been this exhausted but contented. I'm so happy it scares me that something might turn wrong and pop this bubble of happiness growing inside me. After 9 years, 9 years of waiting and asking God when will be the next time I will share the same table with my family, finally He answered my, our, prayers. We'll be spending Holidays with my family outside the country. *Doing my tap dance* I'm excited to be in a new place, I do love to travel and enjoy long journey. See new things and eat different foods. I mean who don't want food? But more than anything, I'll finally see my family. I miss how my papa kiss me with his beard, the level of burn in my mom's cooking, my big brother's cuddle when I have nightmares and my sister's chicka and constant tease. It's funny tho how my papa keep on telling my baby bro to look after me. I was like, "Umh hello pa, I'm the older being remember?" Haha but no puns intended yeah he is more mature than I so that's pretty understandable and tolerable in my part.

Happy Holidays everyone! Oh 19th of December please do come smoothly :)

Where's my Happiness?

So when was the last time I made an entry? Ha, and now my 1st November entry is all about me ranting everything. Spare me for that I just need some venting.

I AM UTTERLY FRUSTRATED. Yes you can feel that with my capslock on, right? I've been so so frustrated and vexed since last week. I've never felt this way before. I read that over and over again praying that everything is just a joke, and when I saw the pain painted in his face that's when I realized "Dang! What do I do now?", I don't know what's more depressing the fact that it's already there and I can't do anything but to accept it or the fact that all this time what I've always believed in is a lie? I'm speechless. And clueless. And hopeless. I tried to reason things out but it's pointless. This is exactly why I hate being so attached in something or someone I have no complete control of. And it's been 14 days and I'm still crying my eyes out.

Another thing that eats the little little happiness of my mediocre life is my effing school. Why oh why do you love us so much you won't let us go? Like giving us remedial exam and having less than 5 days to review? Are you sh*tting on me? (I've been cursing a lot, this is not so me but I guess the frustration gets the toll out of me. Sorry not sorry.) And because I love cramming I will open my books 15 hours before the exam.

When I'm AGHSKJMLFHOJ

I know that already. I perfectly know that I am not this and that cos I've been dealing with it for 20 years. I understand it more than anyone else. But why the fvck do you have to rub it in my face like that, you obnoxious creation? You should be ashamed of yourself. If I'm your mommy I will let you face the wall for 8 hours for you to reflect. You're lucky I am not getting all your sweets.

You Annoy Me

I told you not once, not twice to leave me alone. But you stayed and acted as if you didn't hear me. You annoy me. I deliberately say mean things but you think I'm cute being sarcastic. You annoy me. I did things you hate most but you just shrugged it off. You annoy me.

Every morning you greet me. Every night you say words that put me  to sleep. Without any intentions, you're growing in me. Everyday with you is like a natural thing and I never thought that I will miss you in times we're not together. Like the sun kisses the day goodbye, darkness takes place. You annoy me.

You came when I least expect you and left without warning. Now I forgot how it was like before I met you. I don't know how to act and be myself before there was you. You truly are annoying.