Hooray For Today

And I've never been this happy and sad at the same time. Never been this exhausted but contented. I'm so happy it scares me that something might turn wrong and pop this bubble of happiness growing inside me. After 9 years, 9 years of waiting and asking God when will be the next time I will share the same table with my family, finally He answered my, our, prayers. We'll be spending Holidays with my family outside the country. *Doing my tap dance* I'm excited to be in a new place, I do love to travel and enjoy long journey. See new things and eat different foods. I mean who don't want food? But more than anything, I'll finally see my family. I miss how my papa kiss me with his beard, the level of burn in my mom's cooking, my big brother's cuddle when I have nightmares and my sister's chicka and constant tease. It's funny tho how my papa keep on telling my baby bro to look after me. I was like, "Umh hello pa, I'm the older being remember?" Haha but no puns intended yeah he is more mature than I so that's pretty understandable and tolerable in my part.

Happy Holidays everyone! Oh 19th of December please do come smoothly :)

Where's my Happiness?

So when was the last time I made an entry? Ha, and now my 1st November entry is all about me ranting everything. Spare me for that I just need some venting.

I AM UTTERLY FRUSTRATED. Yes you can feel that with my capslock on, right? I've been so so frustrated and vexed since last week. I've never felt this way before. I read that over and over again praying that everything is just a joke, and when I saw the pain painted in his face that's when I realized "Dang! What do I do now?", I don't know what's more depressing the fact that it's already there and I can't do anything but to accept it or the fact that all this time what I've always believed in is a lie? I'm speechless. And clueless. And hopeless. I tried to reason things out but it's pointless. This is exactly why I hate being so attached in something or someone I have no complete control of. And it's been 14 days and I'm still crying my eyes out.

Another thing that eats the little little happiness of my mediocre life is my effing school. Why oh why do you love us so much you won't let us go? Like giving us remedial exam and having less than 5 days to review? Are you sh*tting on me? (I've been cursing a lot, this is not so me but I guess the frustration gets the toll out of me. Sorry not sorry.) And because I love cramming I will open my books 15 hours before the exam.

When I'm AGHSKJMLFHOJ

I know that already. I perfectly know that I am not this and that cos I've been dealing with it for 20 years. I understand it more than anyone else. But why the fvck do you have to rub it in my face like that, you obnoxious creation? You should be ashamed of yourself. If I'm your mommy I will let you face the wall for 8 hours for you to reflect. You're lucky I am not getting all your sweets.

You Annoy Me

I told you not once, not twice to leave me alone. But you stayed and acted as if you didn't hear me. You annoy me. I deliberately say mean things but you think I'm cute being sarcastic. You annoy me. I did things you hate most but you just shrugged it off. You annoy me.

Every morning you greet me. Every night you say words that put me  to sleep. Without any intentions, you're growing in me. Everyday with you is like a natural thing and I never thought that I will miss you in times we're not together. Like the sun kisses the day goodbye, darkness takes place. You annoy me.

You came when I least expect you and left without warning. Now I forgot how it was like before I met you. I don't know how to act and be myself before there was you. You truly are annoying.

Perfect Mess

Have you ever had a dream so poignantly wonderful that waking up felt like an utter pain? So last night, once again you walked in the gates of my dream. Making a perfect mess in my life because of that smile. No one knows how much I cried that day we called it off. I always wish those thoughts to go away. But they won't leave me alone, gripping tighter, eating the light I've been holding on. There are times I don't know what is worse, missing you or knowing the fact that there is nothing I can do. I know I've already let you go, but you know what the saddest part is? It is when I still check my phone at night waiting for a message I'll never had. Thinking if you misses me now that I am gone. And who am I kidding? Of course you don't, cos if you do you would have had contacted me and not wait this long.

Rant Before Exam

We used to be so close when we were in first year. But everything turned awkward after that event. I genuinely don't know why all of a sudden you treated me like an infinitesimal being not even worthy to talk at. We can't even have a civilized conversation and that goes on for so long I almost forgot that we were once close close friends. What changed? I don't know either because I need not to remind you that you won't bother to explain what's wrong.

And after how many years, I demand explanation. Seriously, can't you man up? You made me feel guilty in things I have no control of.

You're just one of the many. You let me fall. And watch me stumble. Wicked.

Fourth Row

I think I just got my heart broken.

One thing I've learned in my Accountancy class: Never assume unless otherwise stated. Something I don't usually practice in textbooks, exercises and even in real life and that's why I am writing this entry late at night. And the very reason I failed in my class. And once again, I am suffering something inconveniently preposterous. I'm just stupid at times, gullible as they say. It's true though that's why you won't hear me complaining. Yesterday was so wonderful and everything fall apart this night. Last night I was so happy it scares me and at this very moment I'm so hurt it's killing me.

So let me do my reverse bittering to help me breath. My nose is so stuffed I should stop crying. I'm lucky I don't completely say yes to him. He has a good voice, yes but that is not a ticket for his arrogance. He's good at drawing and so am I. But I really like someone who draws and sings. He has silver hair. Felt like he's two different persons at times. He is so funny I wanna hug him. He has the softest hands I'd ever seen in a boy. His nails are so cute and clean. Oh clean nails, that's my weakest point! Wait. This is suppose to be reverse bittering right?

But I guess this nights' event is a blessing in disguise. God opened my eyes before I hurt myself any further. Before I make the same mistake, He saved me. Even though His process is the most painful of all I am still grateful. I am hurt yes bitter at times but those are privileges of the living, so I should be grateful I'm still feeling these things.

My thoughts are in a mess but one thing is clear: it's over when we haven't even started. Life goes on. Tomorrow I'll smile so give me this moment to pour my heart out.

Bitter Sweet Memories

They said you're bad for me,

I said I can handle you.

They told me to let you go,

I told them I haven't got enough.

I saw you with another girl.

You gave me that smile.

Told me your sweetest lies and

Believed them as easy as you've said it.

Now I keep these memories in a box

And place it in the corner of my heart.

So when I finally let go of these feelings,

I can peek in those memories with no more bitterness in my eyes.

Oh gosh! This was the poem I made in my sophomore year, I guess, for our Humanities. I skipped the 3rd and 4th stanzas cos they're too embarassing for me to even write it here. This is abomination! Well, except the last part. I love the last part. Haha what am I thinking while writing this one or am I even thinking at all?

Not Me

Did it ever cross your mind that right this moment you could actually change the course of your life if you really wanted to? You can stand up and tell your prof "NO, this time you're wrong", you can spend your time for yourself and not be dictated by what people around you says you should be doing? And you can take the risk of passionately and senselessly kiss the one you really like by surprise? You can eat the whole cake by yourself if you really want to. You can change everything, but no you choose to sit there and go with the flow.  Cos the only thing that stops you are the consequences. You smile and act like nothing is totally wrong, that's called putting sh*ts aside and acting tough.

But that's you.

Stupid Reason

You told me to look at you in the eye. I'm scared cos I know you'll read what I'm thinking. I know that when I look at you, the words I'm wanting to say won't be put in words. So I took a deep breath and say everything I want without stopping, without looking at you. And when I'm done talking, you did not say a word. I won't look at you cos I know you're looking at me with those caring eyes and it will break my heart. I watched you walk, I know I should have stopped you. I know I should have hugged you that time. But I didn't. It is not pride that's holding me back, it is doing what is right. Or at least what I think is right. I'm a coward, expecting you to do everything and the only thing I am good at is hurting you. Playing with words and giving you a broken heart. As much as it breaks you, I want you to know that the pain you're having is twice the pain I'm taking. Up until now I still hate what I've done. If only I am given a chance to go back in the past, I'll choose that day. I'll choose you. I'll choose that moment to be brave.

I Should

I should be patient in times that you are getting the toll out of me. I should be understanding eventhough you are being irrational. I should be giving eventhough I have nothing left. I should trust your decisions eventhough I know it will hurt us both. I should be humble in every fight we have. I know I should. I should do what's best for us, what's right. I should, but why does it hurt? So much it's becoming hard to breath.

Say it again

Died a little when you say my name before I did.

Feelin' like a fool watching you write my name.

Remembering small details like adding extra whip cream

just like a month and a half ago.

You remember. And you smiled, just like always.

And wait, I love your newly shaved face.

:)

With my baby! Lemme play like a pro in a month. Haha. I'm making annoying noises but for me it's music. My frustration into reality. Thanks to my sister and big bro and my mom. :)

Oh my G! Smitty is following me, someone pick up my jaw, now! So Smitty of Track Bangas is there. Track Bangas is a record production team.They worked with Lil Wayne, Rick Ross and so on. I don't know why he followed me tho, cos I'm not following him in the first place. But since I'm nice, I followed back. Haha. Maybe he's having a follow spree that's why. Think I'll push my luck harder and put a vid on my twitter.

And who knows, maybe they'll stumble on it and see the beauty of my talent. And who am I kidding? XD

Ahhh! I'm terribly angry today. And the day is just beginning and I wear the biggest frown I have in my whole life. I know wishing to kill someone is far-fetched but I am angry. And when I am angry, I lose my filter. I wanna whack his face and I am still thinking of 200 ways to make him suffer using my bare hands. Stubborn, insufferable, over-bearing, obsessive guys are the scariest.

Lazy Monday.

Hope caffeine will do its magic today.

School tomorrow. Gaah!

Sorry for the face XD

Say Wut?

Had a bizarre conversation with a friend and a major nosebleed through out the convo.

Me: What?
Her: How's summer?
M: You know how it went.
H: The weather feels nice.
M: Hmn.
H: Makes me wanna grab some ice cream.
M: Okay. Please tell me you're not calling just to talk about the weather.
H: What do you think about R****?
M: The who?

H: The short guy with a funny looking eyes. And have you noticed his cheekbones? That's a waste for a man to have.

M: Bam! Of course. He's kinda hot but not that hot.

H: Yeah right. I think he's gay.

M: Just because he dresses way too nice doesn't mean he's gay.

H: He checks his reflection in his cellphone every 5 sec. No straight guy do that!

M: He's just vain.

H: He puts mustard in his lettuce, remember?! That's gross.

M: Oh gee, remembered! But what does it have to do with that?

*Talk. Talk. Talk.*

3 days later

H: You won't believe it! Oh gosh. When are you coming home? I have to see your reaction when I say it! *blah, bah*

M: Slow down. Now spill the beans.

H: Remember R****?

M: Good radiance. Him again?

H: Bumped on him yesterday and he's asking about you?

H: He asked way too many questions and he thinks you're the hottest girl in town.

M: Bitch please.

H: Swear! Almost spilled my juice when I heard him say it. Not the hottest girl part but the *my head is spinning she's talking so fast I lost track* He's not gay then.

M: Anyone who thinks that a little girl such as myself can be hot is definitely gay, a seriously depressed person, a creepy psycho or someone who have a lethal eye problem.

H: Hahaha. Let's just say he is gay.

M: Yes he is definitely gay.

H: He's funny.

M: And very opinionated.

H: He can't be gay.

M: Let's just agree that he is gay, please.

H: Few days ago you strongly believe he is not gay. What a change of heart?

I so love this girl. I don't know what to think haha. Guess washing my nose is my top priority.

Of all the men I've loved and lost (not that I have many to start with), letting my chance with you slip away is what I regret the most. Do I sound sappy? Just asking.

Gimme.

It's annoying that I have to literally put everything in words for you to understand. What are you a fvking retard? Can't you tell just by looking? I know you're smart, like book-smart but you obviously lack common sense. Why do I have to deal with you?!

Just had the best week of my summer. I wish everyday will be the same. That today is such a great day and you'll sleep with a big smile in your face because you're looking forward for tomorrow, another great day with them. Not a day did I felt lonely and even staying at home is such a pleasure. This is my last sem, God willing, so I know I have to deal with the pressure of school and it might eat me so unwinding is a luxury. Oh well, I enjoyed one of my numbered summer days so all is well.

Self-Control?!

Self-Control ba kamo?

• Yun yung oorder ka pa ng isang kape pero naisip mo tama na ang dalawa para sa araw na 'to. Kaya mauupo ka na lang ulit at titipidin ang nalalabing caffeine.

• Yun yung magbabayad ka na lang sa counter para sa librong humagip ng mata mo at pumukaw sa puso mo. Pero maaalala mong 65% ng libro mo sa bahay e hindi mo pa nababasa at itong librong hawak mo ay madadagdag lang sa collections of unread books mo. Kaya dahan dahan mong isosoli sa lalagyan at lalabas ng sawi sa bookstore.

• Yung nagtext s'ya at gustung gusto mo ng replayan. Mag-uunli ka na nga oh kaso naisip mo kung miss ka n'ya dapat dati pa s'ya nagtext. Kung gusto ka n'ya makita hindi simpleng "Hi" ang laman ng unang mensahe n'ya sa loob ng isang buwang hindi pagpaparamdam kundi "I miss you. Pwede ba kong pumunta jan ngayon?" Kaya hindi mo s'ya rereplayan at kakagatin ang kuko para pigilan ang pag-unli.

• Yun yung gusto mo ng mangsipa, mangbugbog at manampal ng nilalang na hindi marunong gumalang at walang bukambibig kundi trash talk. Pero naisip mong maliit ka, malaki s'ya/sila. Isa mo lang, madami sila. Cute ako at pangit sila. So kung mag-aaway kami walang mawawala sa kanila. Kaya lalayo na lang ako hindi dahil sa takot o alam kong matatalo ako kundi dahil I know I am better than that. Haha excuses!

• Yun yung gusto mo pang magbasa ng Manga kaso umaga na naman kaya hihilain mo ang sarili mo para mahiga sa kama at pwersahing matulog. Iba na kasi ang takbo ng utak mo, umaga e ginawang gabi at ang gabi mo ay ginawang umaga.

Ang galing. Marunong na pala ako magpigil. Haha pero paminsan minsan e bumibigay din. Tulad ngayon hawak ko ang librong Diary ng Panget na nakita ko sa NB, sumasakit kasi ang mata ko pag sa Wattpad nagbabasa. Katulad kahapon naka-isang grande Coffee Jelly at isang tall Java Chip sa SB at isang large na Cappuccino sa KK. At ang ending? Ayun nasa comfort room ang lola n'yo. Nasobrahan e. At nagreply sa isang text na hindi dapat. Hindi dapat dahil regular load lang ako, hindi na mahilig mag-unli e, nagpalitan ng mga walang kwenteng banat at nung importante na ang text e naubusan ng load. Lalabas na sana ako ng bahay kaso madilim na kaya ipinagpabukas ko na lang. Self-control, mapeperpekto din kita.

Donut?

Had an extremely weird dream. Something about a donut, a guy who lifted me with his one hand, a jeep with my undies hidden there (yes! I don't have a clue why it is there), celebs, a white washing machine, policemen, a bossy woman and a ghost that only I could see, with her flaming eyes and murderous aura. I am crying and almost pissing myself because of fear, but I am in a cubicle so pissing is a very good option. See how weird it is? And does it makes any sense? And a donut, seriously? It is not even a donut-donut, it is just a word, literally all caps DONUT! I remember the slogan vaguely like "she's hunting you because of the donut in the table when you're at the gym. The donut, you should know by now." Something like that or maybe I've jumbled the words, I saw it like the credits you see at the end of a movie. I don't know if that's a nightmare or something just random. Oh well, I won't sleep for at least 8 hours straight. So please help me heaven not to be tempted to go near in my bed.

Once

I never realized how lonely I am until today. How desperate of me to cling on the belief that I am happy. How can I fool you when I can't even fool myself? Or maybe I already fooled you cos I'm a good actress. Now I know how hard it is to smile everyday. That today is a good day and hopefully convince myself that it is a good life after all. But I know something is off, just can't put it in words.

I don't even know who to talk to. I've been dearly honest and open with my parents but not this time. I don't wanna worry them, that is the last thing I wanna do. I don't want to tell my closest friend. I can but I don't want to. She already had enough in her plate. She knows how pathetic I am and I know that she'll do something once I told her everything. She's like that, she'll do everything she can to help and it includes throwing herself in, that is why I don't wanna tell her.

But those things we're so the day before yesterday. Feelin' better now. Thanks to His guidance.

:)

No More Tears

After 2 days of mopping and wallowing

on my pillows. I feel better now.

Better and stronger.

I think I'll abandon my Mars One dream after all. I realized that they don't have tv shows there and internet connection. And if they do, what good will it bring? My fb friends and twitter followers would be the same 50 people or more I have staying there occupying the whole Mars. And I can't live without my daily dose of manga. As much as I love to go to outer space, my desire to know the ending of Naruto, Fairy Tail, Cheese in the Trap runs deeper in my veins. So no for residency, maybe a lil tour will do. But tolive there all my life? Meeh, I'll chicken that out.

:)

For Mama

When you held me and wrapped me in your arms the first time, I know it is love. Your love is beautiful and pure and patient. I can list hundred words to describe it and the list will go on and on but Mama, your love for us is beyond words. Marlene, Marly, Sis, Ma'am, Cutie, Teacher Marlene. They can call you all names but I will call you Mama.

262 days away from you and thinking of few more weeks of finally being with you. Can't wait. Happy Mother's Day! We love you. :)

Meet my gorgeous mama.

Ain't she lovely?

KK

Finally found a perfect place to hang out.

I never thought that I'll grew tired of SB haha.

So here I am in Krispy Kreme waiting for someone.

Kidding! :P

Mars?

I always believe that somewhere out there, there is a place where I truly belong. I am happy here but something is missing. That there is a certain void no one can patch up. And maybe this sounds crazy but recently I learned that a Dutch company is planning to send people in Mars this project is called Mars One. It sounds crazy? NO. This is perfection! Genius. It felt like yesterday, when I was in grade school it's always been my dream to go in the Moon. Now  this! A free trip, I mean, a residency in another planet! That is beyond what I'd dream for. So there are 5 Pinoys who submitted their applications and I will coax my parent to let me. I mean there are more than 80,000 applicants already so there is a very slim chance of me getting in if ever I submit a vid. Maybe this is what I've always been dreaming of. There is so much more out there and I want to witness it with my own two eyes, feel it and smell it on my own. I am so damn tired hearing stories of life out there. I wanna live it. Be a part of it. So wish me good luck! :)

Eh?

Oh gee! I've made a video for my mom for Mother's Day!

And that's my face for your entertainment XD

Romeo

"O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?"

I've been asking myself the same thing my dear. Where are you my Romeo? Am I not worth saving? What's taking you so long? Or maybe we've missed our chance of meeting? Or maybe there is no Romeo?

Urgh! Whatever I'll stop thinking about you Romeo. I am a woman and I know my worth. So I won't just sit here and wait for that douche bag to come and pick me up. You won't choose me, I'll choose you. So shut up and wait for me.

Footprints in the Sand, my favorite poem.

Something to reflect on.

:)

YES!

And Gideon Cross, Patch, Tobias, Jared Howe,

Ian O'Shea, Waren, Travix Madox, Alex Fuentes

And I'll do anything to have a Landon Lucas Maxfield in my life.

Every perfect and romantic boyfriends are just in our mind.

Guess I'll just marry my books :)

Up All Night

Close up kung close up.

Haha be scared!

I'm the monster beneath your bed.

;)

Hindi naman masama at walang masamang umasa. Pero dapat alam mo kung hanggang saan ka lang. Lahat ng bagay may limitasyon. Kasi kung habam-buhay kang aasa baka hindi mo namamalayan na pinapalampas mo na yung mga chances na MAS pa dun sa bagay na hinihintay mo.

Don't Forget

I remember losing my strawberry cupcake key chain when I was in high school. I tried looking everywhere and tracked my footsteps but I can't find it. You saw me and I told you that I lost the key chain you gave  to me. I am utterly happy when you helped me with my dilemma cos I thought you'll be mad. After minutes of looking you grew tired and told me that you'll just buy me another one. But that never happened.

I was disappointed but never told you. Not by fact that you didn't bought me another one but what saddened me is the fact that you'd rather buy another one than to look for it. It is not just a key chain, it is more than that. Don't you remember? It is the first gift you gave to me. Summer time but it's raining, we went inside a shop cos we don't have umbrella, I saw it and thought it's cute but you said it is too girly pink. But when we were about to part ways you gave it to me. I was surprised and you told me that it means nothing. You just think that it suits me, fluffy like the icing, so you bought it. That was the best thing that happened in my summer. Don't you remember? It holds so many memories but you can easily replace it. Just like that. Just by saying "I'll buy you a new one." No matter how good that new one is, it is not the same. Is it really easy to replace something just because you've lost the old one when you don't look hard enough to begin with? Are we just like that now? Am I just one key chain in your collections that can be easily replaced?

I'm not being sappy nor holding anything against you. It just puzzle me, I don't know how it works with so many people. How they can easily understand things I can't.

Too Handsome for your Own Good

Omar Borkan Al Gala. One of the three handsome young men who were deported from Saudi Arabia for being TOO handsome. He's an actor, fashion photographer and a POET from Dubai. (How sweet is that?) Now I know why religious police took action by the mere sight of him. Look at those eyes, his perfectly curved jaw, his bushy eyebrows, pointy nose and that lips, that luscious lips. Yes, having this face is the gravest of all sins.

Little Girls' Misfortune

I was standing proud and tall watching my newly arranged bed. All in place; pillows, bears. When suddenly something creeps in my right foot. I tried to scream but not even a whisper escaped. Instead I just do my ninja moves, jumping up and down while my hands were hanging up in the air as if that little cockroach can do me any harm than just keep on creeping in me. I jumped in my bed, I thought I was safe but Mr. Cockroach drew his sword. I don't know what to do luckily my little brother came to the rescue and kill Mr. Cockroach for me. I hurriedly opened our shower and cried. I never thought that something so small can give me a mini heart-attack. And mostly, my bed, my bed is in a mess.

Man in Apron

The way your tongue plays when you say my name. The sound of my name in your mouth. You gave a new radiance, a new meaning in my name. And I never thought something so simple can make me smile. I don't need to go to heaven to know what it feels like. You remember my name, no you know my name, I don't know how but it sure is nice to be remembered by a stranger.

Uhm.

I don't know why I'm still talking to you. I like you as a person and maybe as a friend. I truly do, Gio, but I don't want more. Or I can't have more. I just don't see you in the same light you're seeing me. Maybe we're in different pages right now. I mess everything and I don't blame you or anything cos parts of it are also my doing. If only I know that things will end up like this I should have not said or did that. You're a precious person for me to lose. But I don't wanna be selfish and be the cause of your misery. Hell, you should not have give me that much power over you to begin with. I want you to know that hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do, but since we're in this predicament I think that is inevitable. I have to do it now before we lose what we've had, before we start to hate each other. I have to do it now before I regret it. Now before it's too late. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So I've finished reading David Levithan's Will Grayson, Will Grayson,

Lover's Dictionary and Every Day.

I never thought I could possibly love another author and be moved

by his works like Mitch Albom's.

Next stop, Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist. :)

Going Somewhere?

The magic is not knowing where.

Momo

Meet Momo The Bookmark.

I've made her yesterday since

I have nothing better to do than to stare at our ceiling.

Guess I'm creative at my best when bored.

:)

Meanwhile in Baguio

Chillin' with Fatima

In the field

Fail jump shot

Another fail jump shot. Tehee.

And another one

Sorry for the face XD

Biking

Run baby run.

50's Diner

I forgot the name of the Cathedral. Sorry :)

Row, row, row your boat.

Standing like we're the Queen of the World.

Mom I'm lost!

Cool & Clean. C2

Charlie's Angels, eh?

Leslie's dorm.