I honestly don't know how to use a fountain pen.

But I am willing to buy as many as I could

As long as someone kind and amazing and wonderful

Is willing to teach me this.

I am begging you!

I swear to my baby Elephant Buddah that I'll give you all my

Chocolates, candies and books that is good for one year.

Just teach me this!

Please :))

Things I Never Said

While cleaning the dust in my inbox, I happened to trip over this one:

This convo was last December 10, 2011. I said it and meant it as a joke, but thinking about it, maybe I'm a little mean? Considering I know how he feels about me and no matter how comfortable we are with each other maybe I have stepped on his boundaries. I said it not because I wanna hurt him, I said it to know how he would react. I pushed him to know how long he will hold on to me. And now all I think about is that I'm a jerk. Three years of pursuing is no joke and knowing that it is his first time to actually woo makes me a douche bag. But you can't blame me, I'm an insecure b****. I wanna be constantly reminded of how beautiful I am, every woman wants that right? I demand undivided attention and yes, somehow I'm hard to deal with. And I do have trust issues and testing his sincerity. I actually liked him, but not enough to actually say yes. But that was before.

Things changed since then.  And it's amazing how time flies so fast.  The man who've always said he would understand and love you whether you want it or not, in your ugliest or prettiest day. The man who've chased you for 3 long years is happy now with someone. And the girl whom he'd always wished would fall for him is now staring at his pictures as if that guy from then is a whole different man now.

Thinking deep about it, what do I want him to do in the first place? I just want him to be the man he proves to be. I want him to be the man that I could be proud of. The man that have dreams in life. And yes that is selfish. I should have asked myself, what can I do to make him happy? It is called relationship because it involves two individuals. Both of you are working, thinking, giving and receiving. You think of what makes him happy and he will do things that will make you happy. Not me, but him. Not him, but me. But baby it's too late. 

It's amazing how much I believe in myself, how conceited, how naive, to think that he would actually wait for years that's uncertain.

This things just pop out of nowhere. Maybe they are one of my secret regrets in life. Pushing people thinking they're jerks, or they will just use you, or they're just having fun. But it turned out that you are one of those jerks yourself. Being too doubtful leads on hurting other people and yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous or secretly wishing he will come back to me. (Hmmn, but that sounds delicious!) I'm happy that he is happy. I know that I am not yet ready for commitment and I'm afraid that I might hurt him as much as he could hurt me. So us having our separate ways is good in its own way. But those what ifs? Let me handle with that. It's been a year. I can live with it for more years to come.

Close Encounter

Today, I've met him. He sit infront of me in a public transportation. He looks familiar but I cant recall where I've seen him. All I know is that I know him, I've seen him before. He is making this up and down rhythm of his legs. I used to do that when I am bored or nervous but the way he did it is way too funny cos every time he did that the whole jeepney shakes. Now deep down in my thoughts, I think I know the answer in my riddle. I think he's my neighbor. But no, I'm not sure. And the only way to confirm that is to know if he will get down in the same station as I am. And alas baby, we've said "para" in unison.

My inner fairy is dancing at its best while spreading its pixie dust. Now I remember that he is the one who opened and closed their gate when his father drives their car. And I remember all those times I walked like a rotten zombie outside when my brother asked me to buy something. I just wish upon the morning star that he, for the love of heavens, did not see me at my worst.

So here I am in a cafe. Bored, annoyed, confused, I'm not me today. And the song keeps on repeating this "All you need is love" lyrics. And right now it is getting on my nerves. I am not sad just unhappy. And not knowing why I'm feeling this way makes me more irritated. Maybe I'm just being hormonal.

I'm sitting in the most secluded part of the cafe. I watched people walk outside, Christmas lights lighted even though it's still morning. The lovers in the next table are talking about wedding or something. I don't wanna hear the groggy details of their happy ever after and the song is kinda annoying so I put my head phone on and blast it in maximum. Maybe I'll go deaf when I grow older.

I'm trying to keep myself busy here. Tried reading, then writing and I bring my sketch pad with me in case I got tired being an internet addict. I'm not feeling like going home for the mean time. My brothers were not at home, the older one have work this morning till 3pm I guess and my lil bro have a Christmas party.

I'm weird when I'm alone. Maybe everybody is? School is boring, same old same old. So does my OJT so I got nothing much to say. The only thing I am looking forward to is Christmas break. I am going home for Christmas to celebrate it with my grandparents and uncles and cousins. My high school friends and I are going to Tree Top Adventure so I have to save. And why, oh why for the sweet name of heavens I keep on wasting my money?

My favorite song is playing now, gonna go.

Right foot, left foot on gear. Right hand, left hand, tight grip. And I'm ready to stand. So yesterday, I literally stand for like more than an hour in our ride home. My friend offered me a seat but I refused to do so. I want  to stand. It's my first time standing in a bus and I'm so wobbly, I do stand tho for like less than 10 minutes. But an hour and a half? That's Guinness! It's one of my frustration to actually stand in a bus cos you can't do that in jeepneys right? So I'm quite glad that was fulfilled. Sweat on sweat. Breath for breath. It's crowded and the only moment you could move is when a passenger will get off.

But my happiness is not at its absolute best. My ultimate wish when riding a bus wasn't fulfilled, to reach the unreachable, The Handle Bars.I just wanna know the feel! Maybe it's no big deal for you. But my dear friend, as one of those petite girls to reach it without stretching your body too much or tip toeing, it's a dream come true! And so I've made up my mind not so sit until I reach that! There are like 3 instances that makes me wanna try to extend my hand and go for it. But according to my calculations, failure is written all over it and I don't wanna make a fool of myself in reaching something unattainable. I don't wanna make something stupid or clumsy that will attract attention, so I just ogle on those bars. Pathetic. There's always a time for that I believe. And my friend occasionally holds the tip of my bag. I dunno why. Maybe she thinks I might get lost and be carried by the crowd. I don't know but she's sweet isn't she? :)

So basically my sister asked me to go and buy her food. So me being me, went out with my tainted shorts and my overly large shirt. She told me to fix my hair or at least wash my face cos it's oily. But I'm so hungry like her and I don't see the need to fix anything.

I went to this fast food chain, the guard opened the door for me so I went in and noticed that there are many customers. One of the crew asked for my order and listed it, then this guy, the one whom I have had a stupid crush on came pushing something, stopped and smiled at me. I totally forgot about him! Like omfghvb I looked like a crap! I did not smiled back cos I don't have the leisure time to return the favor cos I am talking. I can't smile and talk with two different persons at the same time, that look kinda creepy right?

While I was waiting for my order to be completed in the counter, he came in front of me and fix my drinks.  I was busy biting the lower part of my lips when he looked at me and smiled. So that! I smiled while biting half of the lower part of my lips!!! Whaddaheck am I doing? And he is so close I got my chance to read his name written in his tag. It's an N with a J! Lucky me haha. After few minutes, I've had my orders at hand. The guard is nowhere to be found so I tried to push it. But my hero came running and helped me open the door. I know he did run (or I assumed?) cos the last time I saw him he is cleaning a table and now he is here saving me with this heavy door? Lucky!

When I got home I looked at myself in the mirror. Tried to reenact the smile I just did. I was like "OMG! Who's that girl trying to look cute? NO! I look like a damn truck!" These are the moments I hate being me. My lips are cracked, my face is oily and I dress like a 7 year old kid that don't even know that violet and orange combined together are total no, no. Why do I have to forget something so basic like combing my hair, like forgetting that reading and writing goes hand in hand. Think I've left my brain somewhere in the Red Sea. Can't I just be lucky and nothing more? Just plain lucky and not lucky and hilarious, lucky and pathetic or lucky and whatever?

What will you do if the man you've always like stand in front of you and do the thing that made you fall for him the first time you've met? Me? Well, I literally stand there like a hard-stoned statue and do nothing but to stare in awe. I know I've wasted my chance but I don't wanna ruin the momentum by doing something stupid, like tripping on my own feet. Besides he catch my eyes several times so it's worth it. Eye contact at its best. :)

Lovely Mishap

Why do I always fall for all the wrong guys? Wrong guys cos, why do they have to be younger than I, or taken, or they are not into women. Someone who attends seminary, someone who's totally out of my league, or someone who don't even know I exist? The fact that I am into national or international stars just prove how flamboyant my love life is.

Age doesn't matter? Well it does for me, great deal! I have had once a short term fling with a younger boy and guess what? It turned out that I am more immature than him. Haha maybe, just maybe I'm just a selfish brat who wants something for a short period of time. But mind you he is the one who ended everything. I cried of course for a couple of days and thanks to my ever supportive friends I coped up faster than he expected. And now I want someone who is emotionally mature than I am. Younger but mature? I'm willing to talk about the details as long as he is dashing like hell.

When I was in grade 5, I received an annoying letter from someone in grade 6. I was acting like a kid, cos I am, in the plaza when a young boy came and approached me. He held a letter and I was like "eh?" he grabbed my hand cos I'm not making any move and run away. I stared at the letter he left for me for a second or two and put it in my pocket and played again. I miss those days! Playing and not thinking of anything as complicated as life. So back to what I'm saying, I read the letter when I got home. I thought it is a love letter but sod it! It doesn't sound like one! He accused me of always staring at him in the hallway! The nerves. I never, okay I did looked at him at times but not always as what he's trying to say. He danced in one of the school programs and I liked the way he move so what? But I never, ever stared at him for him to act like that when he is the one who deliberately bumped me in the hallway, smiled at me when we were practicing for a school performance, and the one who gave an effing letter with sweaty hands and trembling knees! When I gave my reply the following day, he kept on calling for me (I wrote my name on the last part  of my letter cos he asked for it. Wrong move!), but I never looked back. Ha! Serves you right. It goes for a week or so, he calls me I ignore me. He looked at me I looked back, not lovingly but with annoyance. And so after how many days of fooling around I saw a girl clinging on his arms and so I never looked at him again from that day onwards.

And the guy in the seminary. I totally forgot about him for years until that one stupid dream and alas! I remember everything I should not. Why oh why do you keep on pestering me even in my supposedly quiet and brilliant  dream? And I can't do anything about him, he's entering abstinence and celibacy for all the right reason and I cannot compete with his lover, for the love of heavens He is the creator of the world and the universe. Do I even stand a chance? NO! I'm not even worthy of an opponent. It's my loss from the very beginning.

Boys that are out of my league! Someone who is a varsity player, someone who holds a high position in an organization, someone who've won a Mr. Something contest, someone who plays the ball well, someone with a crazy brain juice. But this one is someone who do music well. I like him from a child's point of view. No ranging hormones or influence of grim reality. I just like him and the fact that he can play multiple instruments and can rock it and the fact that he can sing, he is funny, he is serious, he is mysterious and he is completely and utterly a dream for me. And why do I have to meet and fall for a guy like him? For me to realize how great our differences are, or for me to drool on something?

I always push someone, no I mean I only push jerks or someone I think of a jerk but ended to be the man who'll understand me more than I understand myself. But it's too late for me cos I've pushed them hard enough for them to find inner peace and happiness with some girl. Oh well, just my luck. I should never trust my instinct.

On the Other Note

It is not because I don't care. It is not because I loved him less. It is because I love him so much that I can't be selfish with him. I can't selfishly ask him to stay and wait for me when he deserves more than that. More than what I can offer. He deserves to be happy. And I wish him all the happiness he deserves whether it involves me or not. Regardless if it is because of me or not. Just for him to be happy.

And maybe we love each other so much that it scares me. He loves me too much to let me go and I to him that I am able to let him be happy whether with me or not. Or maybe, just maybe, I am simply afraid that I can't reciprocate his feelings in the end.

Sometimes I hate myself

I was so stupid to believe that there is so much more. That there is so much more in simple Hi's and Hello's. There is so much more in smiles that we exchanged. That there is so much more in your stares and gentleness. You came without warning. You made me fall. Made me believe that a girl like me can be loved the way I dreamed to. You made me feel special. You made me fall deeply, madly, in love with you. And now you're gone without saying a word. Just how cruel can you be? You think I can just act as if nothing happened after all you've done? You think I can cope as easy as you can when you don't even bother explaining yourself? You think I can simply adapt with this sudden change? And if you think I can't pull myself together just because you're gone, think again. I'll prove you wrong. I have had faced too many heartaches before I met you. It's not as if you're the first but I'll make sure that you will be the last.

Brother's In Love

I've been observing my lil bro for a few weeks now. He started listening to love songs, from metallic rock to love song? Creepy. He started singing in showers. Double the creepiness. And yes, he asked advice/signs on how to know if the girl you like, likes you back. And that's enough for me to faint.

At first, I don't welcome the idea. He's still a baby for me (haha who am I kidding? I'm just threatened that I would be the only single one in the family) but reality is he IS growing up. He's taller than me now but of course I am talking about emotional maturity. I just can't picture him with a girl and being lovey-dovey. Gaah! It is his first time to actually, truly like someone. He's been single since birth, never dated, never woo a woman. I always tell him to study first before breaking a woman's fragile heart. And he told me, "Ang hirap kaya para sakin sabihin na crush ko sya." How cute is that?!

I know he is young and should experience a normal adolescence hood and having crushes, bf/gf is normal at this point. But I'm a very protective sister. I think it is pretty normal tho like on how my older siblings been protective over me. I might not show it sometimes but I always, always find the need to know who or what kind of persons they are interacting with. But I don't usually tell them. NO. I never tell them so it's a secret. They will tease me to death on how paranoid I am or it might creep them out haha.

And right now, I'm just excited on how my lil bro's first innocent puppy love will grow.

Someday, somewhere, I swear, I might not be writing about you. Does that scare you? It should. :)

What's worse breaking up or having unrequited love?

In breaking up, there are memories to cherish and they have had  stories together which is hard to forget cos they know it is unlikely to happen again. Even if they don't come back together, the memories and longing will stay there and will remind them of a beautiful love story once told.

Unrequited love? I have had one with my prof. But it's not love at all it's just a simple infatuation that is. It started too fast and ended too soon. And having an unrequited love is fun; stealing gazes, unnecessary talks caused by not so meaningful actions for him but means the world for you. Having someone to look for is a lot more fun than nothing at all.

I do love a lot. But it's just that kind of love-love, love-love not the real love wherein seeing them from a distance is not enough. I miss those stupid butterflies and annoying but romantic gazes. I miss that moment where I never had to ask someone to take my breath away because they had managed to convince me to hand it over freely. I guess not knowing who to love is a beast. It makes you feel empty. And emptiness is such an evil thing. Tell me it is.

That feeling when you want to rush unto someone and give them a bear hug, say no words of comfort but simply stay by his side and listen to all things that he'll say. But you know you can't. You shouldn't. You can't.  And no matter how much it breaks your heart, you simply can't. Why can't I? Knowing that I'm helpless frustrates me most.

Cos you don't know me and I don't wanna creep the hell out of you when I suddenly jump out of nowhere and hug you. I'm not a creeper nor a stalker, just a concerned citizen. :)

CONDOLENCE. I know I won't be able to tell you this face-to-face or in any other way but here. I've been there and I know how it feels. You're a good man with a beautiful soul and I believe, you and your family will get through this. So be strong my little knight. You have a big GOD and your little angel will always be watching you from a distance.

Totoo pala yung nararamdaman mo pag may nakatingi sayo? Yung gusto mo ng lingunin si crush kasi feel mo yung tingin nya pero nahihiya kang gawin? Tapos nung nagkalakas ka ng loob na tignan sya, tinitigan ka nya lalo tapos mag-i-smirk na hindi mo alam kung nang-aasar lang sabay tingi sa iba? Nakakainis na nakakakilig haha. Nagnanakawan kayo ng tingin. Tapos pagnahuli nyo isa't isa patagalan ng titig ulit? Unang kumurap talo. Haha bata?

I enjoyed the simple gestures, simple smiles, simple gaze. I enjoyed the chase or the game we're playing. I enjoyed everything. No matter how platonic or childish or romantic it is, I simply enjoyed it.

Ridiculous Mess

The fact that I'm still feelin' miserable when I don't know why in the first place frustrates me most. I don't know where all these negative emotions are coming from. Why is my life so plain and boring? Why it can't be as fun as Alice in Wonderland? As thrilling like Peter Pan? Romantic as Jack and Rose's love story, of course cutting the scene of the sinking Titanic, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony, Romeo and Juliet.. wait, why do they all die or commit suicide? Geez, guess my inspiration for romance is a tragedy in the end. I'll just cross it out.

I don't know what I want. I just need some spice that will pull me through all this commonness, I need something bizarre. I don't want a man, gah typical girl asking for a lad to change her world. That's not the type of fun I'm looking for now, but having a companion won't hurt tho. I want something thrilling, mind-blowing and utterly crazy. Alien invasion? Nah scary. Be a ninja? Just a dream. Travel the world? If I'm as rich as Bill Gates maybe I will, without second thoughts.

But as of now I'm stuck. I'm just a nineteen-year-old girl that don't know what she wants.

Red String

I'm taking all my love back. I take back what I have said. Why do I even liked that guy from the first place? He's bull-headed, arrogant and conceited. Looks can genuinely be deceiving and I was fooled once and won't let it happen again. I've learned my lesson. Well I always say that, but in reality I don't fully understand some things I've done once so I tend to do it twice. Twice the pain is better than not knowing it. Haha.

But wait! This entry is not about him. I just need a place to fret. :)

So basically I just read the magic of "red string". It exist between a girl and a boy, lady and guy, woman or man, which ever you prefer to call it, that is fated to be together. A bond that cannot be seen by our naked eye. Isn't it exciting? Knowing that a tiny red string is tied in our little fragile fingers that is connected to that one person we are destined to love. It will lead us to that one person we will love everyday of our life and will never get tired of irritating, annoying and teasing. Romantic eh? I know he is somewhere out there. So let's be patient for now. But if he is still nowhere to be found in a year or two I will go and get him. "Ask for some directions you dumbass. Take my breath and take me with you. Save me from this mediocre life. I don't care if you don't have a white horse, I don't care if you are not a prince. All I care about is you, us." Okay, I should put an end to my endless reverie. Haha I'm not making any sense, excuse me for that.

It's been 4 years or more and maybe I haven't completely moved on. By the fact that I've messed up so much and haven't completely liked or loved anyone after we fall apart. I always thought that you're one in a million but then again there are millions of guys to choose from. You can make me laugh even in the silliest stuff, you're not realistic but rather romantic. I know we don't last long but moments with you feels like yesterday and makes it harder for me to let go. I always thought that I'm over you, that I'm okay, that I can make it work alone but I always stumble when it comes to you. I always thought that I'm the luckiest when I'm with you. Always thought that it feels good to love someone so much it almost hurt, but realization hit me that sometimes it's not always good to drown yourself for loving someone. Always thought that pain is inevitable in every situation in life but later on realized that if you can avoid it do so. You don't have to always catch every ball that is coming on your way. And up till now, I could honestly say that you're still on my mind. If only I could turn back time and spend one more day with you.

I'm trying so hard not to fall for you. But the harder I try, the harder I fall. I know it IS pathetic. You don't know me and yet all I can think and talk about is you. The more I talk about you with my friends the more I fall. Sometimes I'm afraid that maybe I fell in love with the man on my mind and not on the real you. But who are you? I want to know you more. Talk to you more. See more of you. My desire to know you is far greater than my shame, way stronger than the panic goblins in my chest. I know this is just another impulsive decision of mine, but I could only care less and just indulge with these feelings. It's hard to catch my breath when I like you beyond belief. It is impossible for us but it is the chances I am taking. And right now, there is no second guessing. :)

There is no middle ground for me. It is either I intensely like you or intensely hate you.

 And right now, I hate you with passion, SIR!

The ever so bitter, assuming, annoying, unproductive ME.

I love and hate you with equal passion.

Ironic, eh?

You can't blame me if I start being selfish. I've had enough. I've learned that if you're too good and giving people tend to take you for granted. I'm tired being treated like a fool by you. Everyone's selfish in nature, evil in nature so don't be surprised. I'm not turning into a monster, I'm just learning to be human.

Petpeeve.

Nakakainis ung mga taong maka-upo sa jeep kala mo sila lang ung pasahero. Kung makabukaka wagas. Pang-tatluhan ba binayaran mo kuya? Kawawa yung katabi nanginginig na ung mga binti kasi naka-squat na sya at pasan buong bigat ng pangangatawan nya dahil isang pisngi lang ng pwet nya ung naka-upo. Nagbayad naman sya ng tama, bakit mo sya pinapahirapan?

I don't get it why people say "Someone had it worst than you" when you're feeling down. Does knowing that people die from cancer, starvation and war can uplift your spirit? Does knowing these facts erase the pain you feel? I don't think so. And does knowing these things can change their situation? Well, I guess saying that someone had it worst than you is as ridiculous as saying that someone had it better than you.

I'm a Ninja

When we were young, my sister and I used to share a room. And almost every night when everyone's asleep I would sneak in my parents' room. I would quietly crawl out of bed then I'll do my ninja moves once I touched the floor. When I finally reached their door, I would open it with all my might while summoning all the silence of the night so the door won't make its famous creaking sound. I'm inside now but the battle's just about to begin. I would crawl like a pro military-slash-ninja, and whenever my mama would make a move (she's a shallow sleeper, waking up when she sense something or when she's being called by nature, which is often! Critical moments, sheesh.) I would stop wherever I am. Then after seconds of heart breaking silence, I would continue my long journey until I reach my fortress, a little space at the end of the bed just about my size. When I finally reached my fortress, something went wrong. There's a pair of tiny feet! I touched it to make sure that my eyes were not playing on me then my little brother made a shhh-ish sound and made the most silent shoo sound loud enough for me to hear. My mission failed! Someone made a vigilant plan than I am! And why does he have to sneak now of all time? I failed but I won't let this little whippet get his prize, a cozy place beside my parents'. I tried to over power him by pulling him down, we were too busy winning our own war that we haven't noticed that the lights were on. Mama and papa demanded us to go back in our respective rooms and they are tired that every night an intruder crawls in their bed. So in the end they locked the door. And that's the end of my ninja life.

So basically it happened in my sophomore year when I was walking in the corridor. I have a hero crush in this girl. Hero crush means I think he/she is cool and sometimes I wanna be like him/her. Like Emma Watson, Nina Dobrev etc. No homo okay? I was walking ahead of her gang so I pretend to tie my shoe to let them overtake me. They looked at me at first I thought she's staring at me. When I got up and walked behind them I adore her long, black hair. My hair is always short or medium length I dunno why. I should stop cutting it grr. When I got in our room, I realized something. Something I should have known a long time ago. I do wear a shoes, black and shiny one. But it have NO shoelace! NO shoelace! It's a strap and not a lace! Just my luck! Maybe they think I am a moronic high school baby. Just how could I miss something important in such a critical moment? Haha next time I try to make an act I'll make sure I won't fail or I won't just do anything at all and just go with the flow.

I woke up today feeling the void in my heart I have long denied. I tried to deny it over and over hoping it'll go away but the pain reminds me that it's real, determined to stay and not going anywhere, will knock me down again no sooner than later. It's infuriating cos i don't know what's missing or where did I go wrong. I have lovable family, supportive friends and I have God above all. I should be happy having them, shouldn't I?

Cos You're Hateful!

We haven't seen each other for a week, for A WEEK. SEVEN DAYS. And there you are flirting with another girl. Like seriously? Now I feel like a crap. Haha I knew it you are not as perfect as what I pictured you to be. Good to know that you are human, a man. Like any other man. You hit me where it hurts, where it'll bleed for days and I won't be able to cope for a week or two or worst a month.

Fine, I might be overreacting or maybe I am just over thinking. But I've seen enough, heard enough and I'm done with you. I don't wanna listen to any of your bullshit. I don't need a reason to hate you, you're hateful enough. For once I am being incredibly unreasonable and stubborn and guess what? I like it. I was shocked, seriously like I still can't believe my eyes but no matter how many times I blink wishing my eyes are just playing on me, the scene won't disappear let alone change. It doesn't change a dang thing but reality fuck me up and made me realize how idiotic and dreamy I can be.

I'm so effing feel like a crap today. I might have behaved like a dang fool but I won't let you see me cry. Cos you're not worth it, I'm not being bitter-bitter, I am bitter. How hypocrite of me if I say no, eh? You're not worth it cos you're not, because I want to think you are not. As simple as that. I just can't believe I fall in love with an obnoxious, over-bearing, conceited, cotton candy guy with a sexy voice and nice smile like you.

Now all the unicorns are gone and I've reached the other end of the rainbow just to know that the pot of gold turn out to be an ogre's dung. Frogs are singing a mournful song and snails won't leave me alone. Bury me now before I bury you.

Bummer

I haven't stayed in our hometown foe a week and 4 stupid guys asked for my number, and guys are whistling or checking me out which is totally gross. (Gross maybe because they aren't my type.) I might sound conceited but I'm not. I'm not flattered at the very least. It bothers me to the fullest! I'm not that good-looking okay. I'm just average which is totally obvious. But I don't know what's wrong with the guys around. Are they that desperate as to ask for a girls name or number that looks like a damn truck?

Like seriously the first guy asked for my number in the terminal, and I swear I looked bad that time cos I've slept in the bus for hours. No powder, pure oil in my face. Gah! That's hilarious and embarrassing at the same time. The second guy was from the grocery store. It was noon and they had few customers, I'm genuinely happy that I don't have to wait in long lines because I carry too much baggage. When i finished paying and about to get my groceries this attendant asked to help me carry my groceries and I gladly said yes. I thought it was just courtesy so why decline eh? When I was about to ride a tricycle, he won't give me my groceries unless I give my damn number. And just smiled and said "next time". He's being incredibly persistent and is trying to act cute and talked as if we've known each other for the longest time and he asked again. And I was like "that's so sweet of you, can I shoot you now?" but I snapped, manners, so I smiled sweetly and again declined. Luckily he stopped cos the tricycle driver is waiting for me and he's causing delay for the driver and I, which I am thankful knowing that he is not that insensitive.

But seriously, I won't give my effing number for goodness sake! Just how close are we mister? We haven't had made any decent conversation and here you are acting all cute and casually asking for my number? Gah! The nerves. The two guys aren't worth talking. I'm tired and people are pissing me off. I would rather live in a cave than to endure another day with this kind of guys roaming around.

I Beseech You, Not!

Do you know what hurts? It’s knowing that you will never be there when I need you, when I want you to. But what makes it worst is the fact that I’m still hoping, pathetically hoping that you would be. I don’t know what it is in you that make me want you beyond normal. Maybe we all want and desperately chase things that will never be ours. Hope not!

But what can I do? It’s hard to catch my breath when I love you beyond belief. When I care for you more than the cookie I’ll eat, more than the dress I’ll wear. My desire to know you more is greater than my shame. And who cares if I sound pathetic? You genuinely know I’m all talk, wishing I can do all the words I say. So I’ll just pray that you’ll hurry. Hurry up and realize that you love me too before I get tired chasing you.

Hopeless Case

How can I move on when every strum you made with your guitar takes my breath.

And every gaze you throw send chills in my bones?

All this I-am-moving-on-thing is forgotten with a single smile.

I'm trying so hard to detach myself from you and your world.

But you still are the empty pages in my diary waiting to be filled..

So I came up with a conclusion to love you as much as I want to,

And let my little, stupid, pathetic heart give up on its own.

Half of Me is You.

There is this guy I have long adored. He hold hands with his guitar and breath with his music. It is his passion and I've got nothing against it for he's been in love with it long before he even learned to speak. Fixated with it enough to even bother to know my name and just spare me some glance.

I love to love, and be loved. And I've learned that you cannot always make people love you. It is painful, terribly painful and heart shattering. But you cannot push them to like you specially if they have different priorities and found love in other people.

Now realization hit me hard. I should stop thinking about our make-believe-first-date in my head, not to over react with every gestures you made, stop replying the scene in the comfort room and be strong enough not to fall again with that smile.

So here I am cuddling Mr. Bear with half of my heart belongs to you. I should stop, I know it. Know it enough to break my heart but not strong enough to do so. And this feeling is consuming me knowing I can never have you. This love is nothing but a healthy pain.

But I'll get over you, little by little in time. :)

Dear Stringboy,

I remember meeting you in my first year of stay in this unknown world. You were holding your guitar in a way that made my eyes go straight to you and put me at ease. And when you played those strings, my lips went thin and formed a tiny smile.

I saw you once in a week since then. I always gaze at you whenever you pull those strings with your virility oozing and suffocating me. I was dumbstruck on how talented you are and it made me want to know more about you. At first it was a simple infatuation. Infatuation on how flawless you play those strings, how effortless you make my heart sing and how easy you can give me butterflies.

I know that you don’t know my name. But I’m hoping against hope that you will. :)

Now your actions are honesty confusing me. Last week you're acting strangely sweet. Meeting my eyes, caught you gazing at me and staying as close as heavens allowed. (It's not normal you know, it give me goosebumps in a good way. Gosh! Overthinking again tee-hee) Then now we are standing as far as the two ends of a rainbow. And maybe I am over reacting cos yes, I am prone of making stories in my head: fairytale stories it can be, elephants flying, hippopotamus moaning or ogre in flight finding for a maiden to satisfy his growling stomach. I have a little castle and pet unicorns in my head. But yes, I am more inclined of the negative side now. Then suddenly, you looked at me with those ogling eyes and I don’t know how to read it. So I snap out of my reverie and try not to over think things again.

We never talked nor made a civilized conversation. We communicate through our eyes and actions and I am bad at body language you know. And I desperately know that it is in a million chances that you know me. (Even though I caught you waiting for me outside the women’s comfort room) For heaven’s sake you ARE too handsome for my own good, you have your own band that performs in different bars so I won’t be riddled if you have number of fans. So tell me, am I just over thinking your actions? Maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you while I act pathetically thinking you notice me too? Huh, too much thinking I guess.

Yours to infinity,

Little pathetic me

PS. I love you like a never ending rainbow. And I never stop loving you, cause I don’t want to. Please burn it after reading it. :)

CallMeCreepy

This is cuter than 2 kittens yawning, rolling and purring over a mother panda.

Cuter than 2 puppies licking whipped cream off a baby koala.

Leprechauns sipping nectar of santan at the end of a rainbow.

Or Spongebob and Patrick making a bonfire in the bottom of the sea.
Yes! This is the cutest thing evah!

In need

I want a knight.
Wearing his shining armor.
Had his own horse. Preferably white.
But I'm willing to stretch to cream,
as long as he is good-looking. The prince not the horse.
Can throw a sword in a fire breathing dragon.
Can sway me off my feet.
Golden-brown hair.
Icy gray eyes.
Have a stone-hard muscles.
Sings ballad.
Dance like a penguin.
Laughs like an ogre.
Eats like a pig.
Cuddly like a panda.

I want my own fairytale. Is that too hard to find?

Another Face in the Crowd

Okay. I’m moving on, this time it’s for real. No more hesitations, no more wobbling steps nor halfhearted decisions. I won’t let him come in and out of my life whenever it is convenient for him. I won’t be swayed by those sweet, empty words. Unfortunately for you, I learned my lesson.

Those eyes that used to melt my heart and made my knees tremble begin to annoy me. Late night conversations bored me cos we’re just running in circles, chasing our own tails. At first, I want you to fight for me, that’s all I ever want. Now that’s the last thing I want you to do, cos this thing is not worth fighting for anymore. It’s not even worth our little, pathetic time.

You showered me compliments, you know I loved it. And it's amazing how something so sweet sound so wrong now. How your smile seems so fake, how crooked your nose is, how insincere and inconsistent you are. Everything's coming in light now. I am no more blinded by that stupid infatuation which I accidentally mistaken of for love.

Don't expect me to be always available now. To be thrilled and run in the store whenever you text me. To pick up the phone in its first ring. To believe those sweet-nothings. I'm tired playing this boy-meets-girl-falling-in-love-and-lived-happily-ever-after thing. I know better now. I've grown in that short period of time thanks to you.