Fourth Row

I think I just got my heart broken.

One thing I've learned in my Accountancy class: Never assume unless otherwise stated. Something I don't usually practice in textbooks, exercises and even in real life and that's why I am writing this entry late at night. And the very reason I failed in my class. And once again, I am suffering something inconveniently preposterous. I'm just stupid at times, gullible as they say. It's true though that's why you won't hear me complaining. Yesterday was so wonderful and everything fall apart this night. Last night I was so happy it scares me and at this very moment I'm so hurt it's killing me.

So let me do my reverse bittering to help me breath. My nose is so stuffed I should stop crying. I'm lucky I don't completely say yes to him. He has a good voice, yes but that is not a ticket for his arrogance. He's good at drawing and so am I. But I really like someone who draws and sings. He has silver hair. Felt like he's two different persons at times. He is so funny I wanna hug him. He has the softest hands I'd ever seen in a boy. His nails are so cute and clean. Oh clean nails, that's my weakest point! Wait. This is suppose to be reverse bittering right?

But I guess this nights' event is a blessing in disguise. God opened my eyes before I hurt myself any further. Before I make the same mistake, He saved me. Even though His process is the most painful of all I am still grateful. I am hurt yes bitter at times but those are privileges of the living, so I should be grateful I'm still feeling these things.

My thoughts are in a mess but one thing is clear: it's over when we haven't even started. Life goes on. Tomorrow I'll smile so give me this moment to pour my heart out.

Bitter Sweet Memories

They said you're bad for me,

I said I can handle you.

They told me to let you go,

I told them I haven't got enough.

I saw you with another girl.

You gave me that smile.

Told me your sweetest lies and

Believed them as easy as you've said it.

Now I keep these memories in a box

And place it in the corner of my heart.

So when I finally let go of these feelings,

I can peek in those memories with no more bitterness in my eyes.

Oh gosh! This was the poem I made in my sophomore year, I guess, for our Humanities. I skipped the 3rd and 4th stanzas cos they're too embarassing for me to even write it here. This is abomination! Well, except the last part. I love the last part. Haha what am I thinking while writing this one or am I even thinking at all?

Not Me

Did it ever cross your mind that right this moment you could actually change the course of your life if you really wanted to? You can stand up and tell your prof "NO, this time you're wrong", you can spend your time for yourself and not be dictated by what people around you says you should be doing? And you can take the risk of passionately and senselessly kiss the one you really like by surprise? You can eat the whole cake by yourself if you really want to. You can change everything, but no you choose to sit there and go with the flow.  Cos the only thing that stops you are the consequences. You smile and act like nothing is totally wrong, that's called putting sh*ts aside and acting tough.

But that's you.

Stupid Reason

You told me to look at you in the eye. I'm scared cos I know you'll read what I'm thinking. I know that when I look at you, the words I'm wanting to say won't be put in words. So I took a deep breath and say everything I want without stopping, without looking at you. And when I'm done talking, you did not say a word. I won't look at you cos I know you're looking at me with those caring eyes and it will break my heart. I watched you walk, I know I should have stopped you. I know I should have hugged you that time. But I didn't. It is not pride that's holding me back, it is doing what is right. Or at least what I think is right. I'm a coward, expecting you to do everything and the only thing I am good at is hurting you. Playing with words and giving you a broken heart. As much as it breaks you, I want you to know that the pain you're having is twice the pain I'm taking. Up until now I still hate what I've done. If only I am given a chance to go back in the past, I'll choose that day. I'll choose you. I'll choose that moment to be brave.

I Should

I should be patient in times that you are getting the toll out of me. I should be understanding eventhough you are being irrational. I should be giving eventhough I have nothing left. I should trust your decisions eventhough I know it will hurt us both. I should be humble in every fight we have. I know I should. I should do what's best for us, what's right. I should, but why does it hurt? So much it's becoming hard to breath.