I honestly don't know how to use a fountain pen.

But I am willing to buy as many as I could

As long as someone kind and amazing and wonderful

Is willing to teach me this.

I am begging you!

I swear to my baby Elephant Buddah that I'll give you all my

Chocolates, candies and books that is good for one year.

Just teach me this!

Please :))

Things I Never Said

While cleaning the dust in my inbox, I happened to trip over this one:

This convo was last December 10, 2011. I said it and meant it as a joke, but thinking about it, maybe I'm a little mean? Considering I know how he feels about me and no matter how comfortable we are with each other maybe I have stepped on his boundaries. I said it not because I wanna hurt him, I said it to know how he would react. I pushed him to know how long he will hold on to me. And now all I think about is that I'm a jerk. Three years of pursuing is no joke and knowing that it is his first time to actually woo makes me a douche bag. But you can't blame me, I'm an insecure b****. I wanna be constantly reminded of how beautiful I am, every woman wants that right? I demand undivided attention and yes, somehow I'm hard to deal with. And I do have trust issues and testing his sincerity. I actually liked him, but not enough to actually say yes. But that was before.

Things changed since then.  And it's amazing how time flies so fast.  The man who've always said he would understand and love you whether you want it or not, in your ugliest or prettiest day. The man who've chased you for 3 long years is happy now with someone. And the girl whom he'd always wished would fall for him is now staring at his pictures as if that guy from then is a whole different man now.

Thinking deep about it, what do I want him to do in the first place? I just want him to be the man he proves to be. I want him to be the man that I could be proud of. The man that have dreams in life. And yes that is selfish. I should have asked myself, what can I do to make him happy? It is called relationship because it involves two individuals. Both of you are working, thinking, giving and receiving. You think of what makes him happy and he will do things that will make you happy. Not me, but him. Not him, but me. But baby it's too late. 

It's amazing how much I believe in myself, how conceited, how naive, to think that he would actually wait for years that's uncertain.

This things just pop out of nowhere. Maybe they are one of my secret regrets in life. Pushing people thinking they're jerks, or they will just use you, or they're just having fun. But it turned out that you are one of those jerks yourself. Being too doubtful leads on hurting other people and yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous or secretly wishing he will come back to me. (Hmmn, but that sounds delicious!) I'm happy that he is happy. I know that I am not yet ready for commitment and I'm afraid that I might hurt him as much as he could hurt me. So us having our separate ways is good in its own way. But those what ifs? Let me handle with that. It's been a year. I can live with it for more years to come.

Close Encounter

Today, I've met him. He sit infront of me in a public transportation. He looks familiar but I cant recall where I've seen him. All I know is that I know him, I've seen him before. He is making this up and down rhythm of his legs. I used to do that when I am bored or nervous but the way he did it is way too funny cos every time he did that the whole jeepney shakes. Now deep down in my thoughts, I think I know the answer in my riddle. I think he's my neighbor. But no, I'm not sure. And the only way to confirm that is to know if he will get down in the same station as I am. And alas baby, we've said "para" in unison.

My inner fairy is dancing at its best while spreading its pixie dust. Now I remember that he is the one who opened and closed their gate when his father drives their car. And I remember all those times I walked like a rotten zombie outside when my brother asked me to buy something. I just wish upon the morning star that he, for the love of heavens, did not see me at my worst.

So here I am in a cafe. Bored, annoyed, confused, I'm not me today. And the song keeps on repeating this "All you need is love" lyrics. And right now it is getting on my nerves. I am not sad just unhappy. And not knowing why I'm feeling this way makes me more irritated. Maybe I'm just being hormonal.

I'm sitting in the most secluded part of the cafe. I watched people walk outside, Christmas lights lighted even though it's still morning. The lovers in the next table are talking about wedding or something. I don't wanna hear the groggy details of their happy ever after and the song is kinda annoying so I put my head phone on and blast it in maximum. Maybe I'll go deaf when I grow older.

I'm trying to keep myself busy here. Tried reading, then writing and I bring my sketch pad with me in case I got tired being an internet addict. I'm not feeling like going home for the mean time. My brothers were not at home, the older one have work this morning till 3pm I guess and my lil bro have a Christmas party.

I'm weird when I'm alone. Maybe everybody is? School is boring, same old same old. So does my OJT so I got nothing much to say. The only thing I am looking forward to is Christmas break. I am going home for Christmas to celebrate it with my grandparents and uncles and cousins. My high school friends and I are going to Tree Top Adventure so I have to save. And why, oh why for the sweet name of heavens I keep on wasting my money?

My favorite song is playing now, gonna go.

Right foot, left foot on gear. Right hand, left hand, tight grip. And I'm ready to stand. So yesterday, I literally stand for like more than an hour in our ride home. My friend offered me a seat but I refused to do so. I want  to stand. It's my first time standing in a bus and I'm so wobbly, I do stand tho for like less than 10 minutes. But an hour and a half? That's Guinness! It's one of my frustration to actually stand in a bus cos you can't do that in jeepneys right? So I'm quite glad that was fulfilled. Sweat on sweat. Breath for breath. It's crowded and the only moment you could move is when a passenger will get off.

But my happiness is not at its absolute best. My ultimate wish when riding a bus wasn't fulfilled, to reach the unreachable, The Handle Bars.I just wanna know the feel! Maybe it's no big deal for you. But my dear friend, as one of those petite girls to reach it without stretching your body too much or tip toeing, it's a dream come true! And so I've made up my mind not so sit until I reach that! There are like 3 instances that makes me wanna try to extend my hand and go for it. But according to my calculations, failure is written all over it and I don't wanna make a fool of myself in reaching something unattainable. I don't wanna make something stupid or clumsy that will attract attention, so I just ogle on those bars. Pathetic. There's always a time for that I believe. And my friend occasionally holds the tip of my bag. I dunno why. Maybe she thinks I might get lost and be carried by the crowd. I don't know but she's sweet isn't she? :)