I thought hearing your voice in the morning can light up my dying grip to happiness but why does it breaks my heart? You of all people. Thank you for ruining my day.

To the Guy Who Proclaims His Love For Me

Thank you for always saying you like me and honestly knowing that someone likes me makes me happy. I know I'm not that pretty, I'm not funny nor good at talking. I am hopelessly in love with fictional characters but you don't find me weird. You know that I am someone who loves books more than boys, prefers reading than kissing but you still treat me like a normal being. I mean, of course I am normal, it's just that most guys want someone who is outgoing and adventurous and funny and cute. But you know I am not any of those. I'm not a clown that leaves you laughing on the floor. Nor am I a trophy girlfriend who you can brag with your friends. I'm not funny, I'm dumb. You think I'm innocent but really I'm just child-like. I am a 21 year old girl that have a maturity of a toddler and with some little fairy dust, you think I am imperfectly perfect. Not everyone can see me in that kind of light but you did.

You're never persistent just patient. You're never boring always unpredictable. You said I am very transparent and emotional and that you can trace the wrinkles in my forehead when I am angry even with your eyes closed. But I am rarely angry and it takes a lot of effort to make me mad but when it comes to you, I always lose my filter. We are a big ball of contradictions.

We can spend time in the phone talking, but mostly you talking. I am very private and always draw the line and you've never crossed that. I am happy that you did, but sometimes I wish you would cross that line. See? I can't even make up my mind. You read books I've read so when I talk about it you won't be left out. You did that eventho you want to play basketball outside. You hate chick flicks but you watch it anyway. 

After my wild pursuit of happiness and countless failed relationships, (not that I have many), I thought there is something wrong with me. But you managed to change my mind and help me look at the world in different perspective. You're shameless and reckless and funny. You know how to tear the walls I have built. You did it gently, carefully. Always taking me in consideration.

You're a fool for liking me but I am the bigger fool for rejecting a wonderful man. I know I will regret it someday but really there are things I cannot reciprocate. You know I tried. I know I am selfish and a coward. Sometimes I wish you'll get mad at me because then it would be easier for you to forget me and for me to leave you. But you are stubbornly understanding, you never get mad nor raised your voice at me no matter how unreasonable I might be. You always have that brave face of yours but when the curtains are down you hide yourself in the shadows and cry.

I did like you. I do care for you. We're still young, I know you will find someone who will cherish you more than I can offer. But really, thank you.

"Are you okay?"

And how I hate that question more than anything. Because then again I have to force a smile and say, "yeah fine." or "doing great"  And I have to lie all over again. I don't know when I started to lie, or who taught me to. But one thing is clear, I'm not okay. How can I be? When was the last time I breath not for the sake of living but because I am happy to do so. My life's been turned upside down and sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

So please next time, do me a favor and don't ask me if I'm okay so I won't say another lie and fake another smile.

Take My Carrots!

Ganun pala talaga yun, na kahit na alam mo na what's coming and somehow prepared ka na for that. Pero when it blows right in your face masakit pa din. Na hindi mo pa din maiwasang masaktan ng todo kahit na alam mo na na mangyayari yun. Na kahit gaano ka kaprepare, mentally and emotionally iba pa din pag-anjan na yung real deal. Iba pa din yung sakit na naiisip mo sa sakit na mararanasan mo. And worst, kahit na alam mong anjan na wala kang magawa kundi salubungin yun.

Smells like Trouble

Don't know if I should laugh or cry or worry. But I feel like smiling tho. My dad kept on reminding me to act and speak like a lady cos for the love of heavens I'm 21 years old. But I don't know how to act like a laaaady! Haha. Geez. I'm overly dramatic when he told me that. I throw my favorite lines like " I'm your daughter you should love me as me" and  "what's wrong with me? Of all people? You're my faaaather" and "you can't change over night." Haha and yes I said that as is with my high pitched voice, puppy eyes and of course I'm trolling my dad cos I missed him. His reaction was epic, the way his eyes turned big with shock but gentle and his nose, it's like a chimney. You can see smoke coming out haha. I should've took a video for remembrance sake but yes I did promise him that I will act like a lady...when I start working. So I still have few more months to do my baby talk and act foolish. This answer made him call for mama for help but basically my mom is my saving grace, she loves to pamper me and thinks it's ok the way I am so my dad walked out. Talk about girl power. But when my dad is out of ear shot my mom told me that my dad is right, I should lower the volume of my voice when I talk, the way I laugh where in you can see my gums, count my teeth and say hello to my velum. I should be more aware of my surroundings. My dad is just worried  and so does my mom, and it is for the very fact that I act like a 5 year old kid is the very reason why they won't let me have a boyfriend (but I can't tell them that I can't have any even if I want too ha), they mutually agree (I don't know when they have a talk. Oh my, they're talking behind my back? Ok back to what I'm saying), that if I have a boyfriend the boy can easily lure me to marriage cos I'm all innocent and don't know how to say NO. I can't argue with that, I mean the 'I can't say NO' part but the innocent part? I think when it comes to big decisions such as MARRIAGE I can pretty much use my brain and couple of common sense haha. So I just nod my head because I know they're right. So hello to the new me! Wait. Can I do that?

PS

Yes mom, yes dad, I am childish but not immature ;)

Hooray For Today

And I've never been this happy and sad at the same time. Never been this exhausted but contented. I'm so happy it scares me that something might turn wrong and pop this bubble of happiness growing inside me. After 9 years, 9 years of waiting and asking God when will be the next time I will share the same table with my family, finally He answered my, our, prayers. We'll be spending Holidays with my family outside the country. *Doing my tap dance* I'm excited to be in a new place, I do love to travel and enjoy long journey. See new things and eat different foods. I mean who don't want food? But more than anything, I'll finally see my family. I miss how my papa kiss me with his beard, the level of burn in my mom's cooking, my big brother's cuddle when I have nightmares and my sister's chicka and constant tease. It's funny tho how my papa keep on telling my baby bro to look after me. I was like, "Umh hello pa, I'm the older being remember?" Haha but no puns intended yeah he is more mature than I so that's pretty understandable and tolerable in my part.

Happy Holidays everyone! Oh 19th of December please do come smoothly :)

Where's my Happiness?

So when was the last time I made an entry? Ha, and now my 1st November entry is all about me ranting everything. Spare me for that I just need some venting.

I AM UTTERLY FRUSTRATED. Yes you can feel that with my capslock on, right? I've been so so frustrated and vexed since last week. I've never felt this way before. I read that over and over again praying that everything is just a joke, and when I saw the pain painted in his face that's when I realized "Dang! What do I do now?", I don't know what's more depressing the fact that it's already there and I can't do anything but to accept it or the fact that all this time what I've always believed in is a lie? I'm speechless. And clueless. And hopeless. I tried to reason things out but it's pointless. This is exactly why I hate being so attached in something or someone I have no complete control of. And it's been 14 days and I'm still crying my eyes out.

Another thing that eats the little little happiness of my mediocre life is my effing school. Why oh why do you love us so much you won't let us go? Like giving us remedial exam and having less than 5 days to review? Are you sh*tting on me? (I've been cursing a lot, this is not so me but I guess the frustration gets the toll out of me. Sorry not sorry.) And because I love cramming I will open my books 15 hours before the exam.