Mixed

It's been a roller coaster ride these past few months. Finding comfort with strangers, making friends in the most unexpected ways. Doing things I never thought I can, saying things that's been long forgotten. Conversations I've made in my mind coming into reality. Been in a series of depression and anxiety but my family are always there to be my stronghold. Finding inspiration and discovering new things. It's exhausting but the things I've learned compensate everything and makes every moment worth keeping.

May 6, 2014. Tuesday. One of the biggest shock in our life happened. My grandfather passed away. No one expects it, yes his body has been weak and he has been in bed for almost 4 months but he took medications and he was well taken care of. So it was an utter shock considering na hindi s'ya dumadaing from any pain except for his knees because of arthritis.

Seeing him at the end of his bed, kneeling gives me so much fear. I prayed hard that this isn't real but it is, it was. He's not breathing. And I can't even wipe my tears away. The pain is unreal.

He's been good to us. Yes he was a womanizer, a drunkard even. When we go there for vacations when I was in elementary he will go home every night drunk. He throws his wooden chair then my grandma will pull us in our neighbor so my lil brother and I won't see the whole picture. And when he calmed down we will go in our rooms and sleep.

He's not perfect. He had been in so many ups and downs in his life. He has flaws but he always take care of us. Lagi s'yang nagpupukpok ng kasoy tuwing uuwi kami, may kendi sa bulsa so whenever lalapit kami sa kanya may mailalabas s'ya. Iniihawan n'ya din kami ng mais, pinagbabalat pa ng saging pagkatapos magtanghalian. He always see us off in the bridge pagpauwi na and when dadalaw kami andun na din s'ya naghihintay sa tulay. Lagi din naming hinihiram yung bike n'ya and we always watch tv in the afternoon.

The first image that comes in my mind whenever we talk about him was when I saw him grilling some cashew nuts. When he saw me he made a shh sign and I nodded and run thinking 'yehey may kasoy ulit!'.  That and not the picture of him throwing chair when he's drunk. That and not him lying in bed asking for some water or his wallet. That and his little ways of making us smile. That's my grandpa, he loves to spoil us and make surprises. I will miss everything about him. He will always have that place in my heart no one can ever replace.

He might not be a good person but he's always, always been a good grandfather to us. And a good father to his sons and daughter. We love him in his flaws and imperfection. We love him even tho he's always drunk at night and pagbubuntungan ng galit ang lola namin. We love him even tho he's a womanizer. And we love him more when he embrace Jesus in his life.

He accepted Jesus Christ as our savior when he is turning 70, a great reminder that it is never too late to be saved and know His greatness. He's a changed man on the day he first step in the Church. He is a new person when he first sing praises and read the bible by heart. He is a better man when he became a servant of God. And it always brings me tears how great God worked in my grandfather's life. He repent and never repeat his past mistakes. He is a great man and I can't love him more.

Yes it is painful and sad. Yes we will grieve. We'll cry in the night remembering him. But we'll move on knowing that he's victorious. Victorious with the Father. He is in the promise land. His journey here is over but he will live an eternal life with Our Father in Heaven. And he will always be in our hearts.

I thought hearing your voice in the morning can light up my dying grip to happiness but why does it breaks my heart? You of all people. Thank you for ruining my day.

To the Guy Who Proclaims His Love For Me

Thank you for always saying you like me and honestly knowing that someone likes me makes me happy. I know I'm not that pretty, I'm not funny nor good at talking. I am hopelessly in love with fictional characters but you don't find me weird. You know that I am someone who loves books more than boys, prefers reading than kissing but you still treat me like a normal being. I mean, of course I am normal, it's just that most guys want someone who is outgoing and adventurous and funny and cute. But you know I am not any of those. I'm not a clown that leaves you laughing on the floor. Nor am I a trophy girlfriend who you can brag with your friends. I'm not funny, I'm dumb. You think I'm innocent but really I'm just child-like. I am a 21 year old girl that have a maturity of a toddler and with some little fairy dust, you think I am imperfectly perfect. Not everyone can see me in that kind of light but you did.

You're never persistent just patient. You're never boring always unpredictable. You said I am very transparent and emotional and that you can trace the wrinkles in my forehead when I am angry even with your eyes closed. But I am rarely angry and it takes a lot of effort to make me mad but when it comes to you, I always lose my filter. We are a big ball of contradictions.

We can spend time in the phone talking, but mostly you talking. I am very private and always draw the line and you've never crossed that. I am happy that you did, but sometimes I wish you would cross that line. See? I can't even make up my mind. You read books I've read so when I talk about it you won't be left out. You did that eventho you want to play basketball outside. You hate chick flicks but you watch it anyway. 

After my wild pursuit of happiness and countless failed relationships, (not that I have many), I thought there is something wrong with me. But you managed to change my mind and help me look at the world in different perspective. You're shameless and reckless and funny. You know how to tear the walls I have built. You did it gently, carefully. Always taking me in consideration.

You're a fool for liking me but I am the bigger fool for rejecting a wonderful man. I know I will regret it someday but really there are things I cannot reciprocate. You know I tried. I know I am selfish and a coward. Sometimes I wish you'll get mad at me because then it would be easier for you to forget me and for me to leave you. But you are stubbornly understanding, you never get mad nor raised your voice at me no matter how unreasonable I might be. You always have that brave face of yours but when the curtains are down you hide yourself in the shadows and cry.

I did like you. I do care for you. We're still young, I know you will find someone who will cherish you more than I can offer. But really, thank you.

"Are you okay?"

And how I hate that question more than anything. Because then again I have to force a smile and say, "yeah fine." or "doing great"  And I have to lie all over again. I don't know when I started to lie, or who taught me to. But one thing is clear, I'm not okay. How can I be? When was the last time I breath not for the sake of living but because I am happy to do so. My life's been turned upside down and sometimes there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

So please next time, do me a favor and don't ask me if I'm okay so I won't say another lie and fake another smile.

Take My Carrots!

Ganun pala talaga yun, na kahit na alam mo na what's coming and somehow prepared ka na for that. Pero when it blows right in your face masakit pa din. Na hindi mo pa din maiwasang masaktan ng todo kahit na alam mo na na mangyayari yun. Na kahit gaano ka kaprepare, mentally and emotionally iba pa din pag-anjan na yung real deal. Iba pa din yung sakit na naiisip mo sa sakit na mararanasan mo. And worst, kahit na alam mong anjan na wala kang magawa kundi salubungin yun.

Smells like Trouble

Don't know if I should laugh or cry or worry. But I feel like smiling tho. My dad kept on reminding me to act and speak like a lady cos for the love of heavens I'm 21 years old. But I don't know how to act like a laaaady! Haha. Geez. I'm overly dramatic when he told me that. I throw my favorite lines like " I'm your daughter you should love me as me" and  "what's wrong with me? Of all people? You're my faaaather" and "you can't change over night." Haha and yes I said that as is with my high pitched voice, puppy eyes and of course I'm trolling my dad cos I missed him. His reaction was epic, the way his eyes turned big with shock but gentle and his nose, it's like a chimney. You can see smoke coming out haha. I should've took a video for remembrance sake but yes I did promise him that I will act like a lady...when I start working. So I still have few more months to do my baby talk and act foolish. This answer made him call for mama for help but basically my mom is my saving grace, she loves to pamper me and thinks it's ok the way I am so my dad walked out. Talk about girl power. But when my dad is out of ear shot my mom told me that my dad is right, I should lower the volume of my voice when I talk, the way I laugh where in you can see my gums, count my teeth and say hello to my velum. I should be more aware of my surroundings. My dad is just worried  and so does my mom, and it is for the very fact that I act like a 5 year old kid is the very reason why they won't let me have a boyfriend (but I can't tell them that I can't have any even if I want too ha), they mutually agree (I don't know when they have a talk. Oh my, they're talking behind my back? Ok back to what I'm saying), that if I have a boyfriend the boy can easily lure me to marriage cos I'm all innocent and don't know how to say NO. I can't argue with that, I mean the 'I can't say NO' part but the innocent part? I think when it comes to big decisions such as MARRIAGE I can pretty much use my brain and couple of common sense haha. So I just nod my head because I know they're right. So hello to the new me! Wait. Can I do that?

PS

Yes mom, yes dad, I am childish but not immature ;)