You are kind. But you are kind to all.

You are gentle. But you are gentle to all.

You give me flowers. But you give them too.

You love cooking for me. But you cook for them too.

What separates me from her? From them?

It's suffocating.

I wish to live and not just to exist.

Don't leave me with my thoughts.

I'm scared.

I'm ashamed of what's running on my mind.

Hey! I Missed

You who matches the pace of my walk.

You who laughs before I even finish a joke.

You who asks me to go out for a cup of coffee.

You who texts me cause you know I don't like phone calls.

You who sends flowers on random days.

You who annoys me on the books you read and the lines, sentences that reminds you of me.

You who encourages me to pursue my passion.

You who keeps on reminding me that I am moving forward.

You who gives comfort in my storms.

I miss you.

I missed you.

I still am missing you.

The weird one.

The unwanted.

The spare.

But just be happy self. You're still alive (should I)

I'm so tired I don't know what's happening anymore.

I need a break. 

Talk to me.
I wanna hear you hopes.
And dreams.
And fears.
I wanna hear it all.

Stop missing him.
Stop missing the guy who don't even think about you.
Stop missing the guy who won't even give a minute to say hi to you.
Stop missing the guy who won't bother to look back at you.
Stop missing the guy who misses someone else now.
Stop.
Just stop.

Truth is

Been in a series of depression these past few weeks or months? I don't recall when, all I can remember is that I have this great desire to be alone and make everything stop.

All the pain. All the disappointments. I am tired. I want to stop. Everything.

They asked me why, why am I depressed? I have a good paying job, happy and healthy family, supportive and understanding friends. My life is basically doing good. But what I came to realize is that its not about your career, or your family, or friends or faith or the lack of it all. Its all in the head. And no thing is more powerful than our own mind. My mind won't stop thinking and running and its driving me crazy.

I tried to speak up. Make them understand, I know they tried. But they can't fully get it. I tried to be ok for all the people that loves me sake, I tried to be okay. At first I am actually feeling fine and hopeful that sooner or later I will be back to normal. NORMAL. What a luxury. But I guess being miserable is what I truly feel.

So it hits me. I cannot pick myself in the same place I lost my soul, my passion. I lost myself in this sad reality called life.

But I will bring back the old me. I will. I have to. So I'll be going back home.

This Is Still For You

I hope you know that you are wonderful.

I know you don't want to hurt anyone. But more than anything you're afraid of hurting yourself. I understand. I know what you've been through so I can't hold it against you if you want to protect yourself. I just hope that you see yourself in a brighter note, just because some people made you feel small, rejected you and hurt you doesn't mean that everyone you will meet thinks the same thing. There will always, always be someone who will accept you and love you for who you are.

You are still wonderful and I hope you know that. You hurt people, intentionally or unintentionally, and you hold it against yourself. Everyone hurt someone, in this world that is inevitable. Get over it, please.

You are good no matter how many times you told me you are not. You got issues, imperfections. But you are not as bad as you think you are. You are fragile. In need of assurance. You are someone who cares for his family more than himself. You are wonderful.

And yes, you're an a$$hole but you're not selfish. You are not and that I can be sure of because I can't possibly fall in love with someone who's selfish.

I pray for the day that you will forgive yourself. You are wonderful and its crazy you don't know your good points. I will say it over and over until you believe that you are. You are wonderful.

PS.
I told you that by the time I came back from my vacation I've already gotten over you. But it seems impossible for now. I still like you. I don't know until when but I wish you all the happiness be it with her or other girl, please be happy. I will get over you don't worry, its just that it takes more than months and travels and foods and books to get over you. But I will.

Sorry Na

Sorry na na hinahanap hanap pa din kita
Sorry na na inaalala ko pa din lahat ng yakap, lahat ng kwento at lahat ng biro mo
Hindi ko napansin, isa na lang pala ako sa yakap na di na mauulit pa
Isa na lang ako sa mga kwento mong ibabahagi sa mga kaibigan mo
Isa na lang akong biro na tatawanan mo
Sorry na kasi akala ko kaya na kitang kalimutan
Sorry na kasi umasa akong babalik ka
Sorry na na namimiss pa din kita

"Sorry na" mga katagang gusto ko sanang marinig mula sayo
"Sorry na" salitang hinihintay kong sabihin mo
At patatawarin agad kita.
"Sorry na" hinintay at hinintay at hinihintay ko mula sayo
Sorry na

Pero sorry na lang ako
Kasi masaya ka na
Nakalimot ka na
Sorry na lang ako
Kasi naniwala ako
Sorry na lang ako

Before the Fall

He loves all things classic; books, movies, places. He has a manly statuesque but looks like an imp when he laughs. But I love that part of him anyway. He don't eat mushroom when it is soaked in soups, he loves it on pizzas. He can't eat his fries without ketchup and a lil sprinkle of pepper. Cries on chick flicks but so tough and strong when he holds my shoulders and pat my head so gentle as if I will break anytime.

He loves to read and talk and stare. He was never a patient man, but he is when it comes to me. He understands my silence, my need to be alone. But he is pushy when he knows I'm at my brink of sanity, he crosses the lines I draw. Strips the walls I built and delicately rebuilt it when I'm okay. He knows my moods, when I want to talk, when I need him to push me to talk and when I really don't wanna talk (atleast for a moment). He knows how to make me calm but mastered the art of pushing which button to make me mad.

He was my best friend. My comfort. The person who makes me feel I'm home. My almost lover. And I, was once his muse.

Planes & Scissors

The thing is he calls me in name I prefer most but tells no one. Like you used to.

He tells me things about myself I'm not aware of. Like you used to.

He tease me in our first meeting like we're close friends meeting again for so long. Like the way we started.

I want to know him more but it scares me. I'm afraid that the more I get to know him, the more of your shadow will reveal itself. I'm afraid that I will see you in him and I know it's wrong. It is wrong. But like a train wreck, the scene is completely horrifying but I can't stop watching.

Take a Chance

My jam for  a week now.

Missed chances and forgotten promises.
Everything around me is sad,
And beautiful.
But I don't mind at all.

To My First True Love

"I'm sure you're my first love because I know one's first love isn't the first person you love or the first person who breaks your heart, not even the first person you were in a relationship with. Your first love is the first person who leaves a mark on your heart—a mark so deep that its life reaches the tips of your fingers and toes, a mark so deep that it transcends time and becomes your ruler for anyone who crosses paths with you even years after your first love said goodbye."

~Ayessa De La Pena

I feel guilty that I am not having the emotions I should be having right now. It sure hurt the first time, second time, third time. I thought it will always hurt the same way like it was the first time. But this time it's different. I feel nothing, think nothing of it. I don't grew numb, I guess I just got tired of it. 

Empty

Empty is the glass of wine sipped in a dark room alone.
Empty is a book beautifully written in ink without compassion.
Empty is the sky full of stars without the warmth of a loved one.
Empty.
Like your words, sugar-coated, honey-deep but empty.
Never assuring just words spoken at the most perfect time.
Delivered delicately with endearing voice and calm smile,
but never honest, never your deep thoughts. Never the person you truly are.
Empty is the heart of a broken man.

Empty, like my thoughts of you.

I fall in love with every broken pieces that you are. With every cut I got just to have you by my side, with every damage and scars I love you more and more. Cos I know you are worth of it all.

I fall in love with the mess that you are. Don't search for your home, cos I will be the shelter you need when storm comes and try to take you down. I will be the anchor in your journey, give me the privilege to be your stronghold, not because I am strong to be one but because you are by my side that I can be one.

I fall in love with the frailty that surrounds you. I want to hear your worries, your stories of brokenness. Don't fear to be judged for I know that I will love you more because of the woman that you are. How strong you've been and how brave you are. Now give me the chance to take care of you and cherish you. For heaven knows that a girl like you deserves all the happiness in this world.

Fall in love with me, please be brave once again and fall for me. I've been hurt, beaten and left like a trash. I've been lifeless and worthless and hopeless, until the day that I've met you. Love is beautiful, it is one of the most wonderful gifts in the world. Take my hand and let's rewrite your faith in love. For I've seen mine in yours and I want you to see that in me too.

Fall in love with me and once again believe in fairytales. I know our journey won't be easy, but I know that we will make it through cos our love is real. It is there, I am here. All you have to do is to take one more step, one more heavy breath. Just grit your teeth and walk out of that tunnel of fears for I will be waiting at the end of it. I love you and don't deny me that fact.

I fall in love with you cos you're a wall I cannot climb but wish to tear down. Gently, slowly I will strip you with every defenses that you build. I will, not because you're just another puzzle I wish to unfold but because I know that if I hurt you, it will pain me more.

I won't fix you, cos I know that no one can. For only you can say when you are healed, when you are happy and smile genuinely. But don't stop me from showering you compliments you deserve. Let me help you to see this world in different perspective. You are not the person you think that you are, you are more than that. Everyone is flawed and imperfect and I will love you still. So please don't stop me from loving you cos it's already too late. I fall in love with you; I keep on falling. Hard.

I know that I've been warned, I already braced myself with the thought of being hurt because of you. And I'm glad to say that I could only care less for I know that loosing you is far worse than that.

PS.

This is a little girl's reply to your 'Do Not Love Me' thingy. I wish you can love yourself as much as other people love you. Smile and don't hold yourself back, never think that you don't deserve to be happy.

PSS.
Purely fictional, speaking as if I'm the man you're talking about.

Kiss You Goodbye

I miss you so bad it scares me.

Never thought it would be this hard.

Wishing you're here by my side.

Sometimes I imagine you here,
caressing my cheeks that tickles me.

Whispering words I long to hear.

But reality bites,
I open my eyes and you're not here.

Your absence leaves a void in my heart,

No one can fill.

Never thought it'll hurt like hell.

Is there a logical explanation for this?

Is it medically possible to be addicted to someone?
Is there scientific procedure to cure this thing?

So Random it Doesn't Make Sense

Talked with my old good friend made me realize that I've wasted one, two many chances. I was oblivious of that fact until she rubbed it in my face. And it is pretty amazing how everyone assumed things, how they can know something about myself that I don't. Shocked is an understatement to describe how I felt when I heard her say it. Maybe I already know it deep down but denies that fact for it scares me, or maybe because I don't really see him in that kind of light. I don't know, I genuinely don't know how I felt four or five years ago, I forgot how I feel about him because all I can remember is how we fall apart. And I think that is sad.

Everyone thought that way and maybe he did too. And now that bubble of questions that haunts me for years finally comes to conclusion.

All this time I hated him for treating me coldly after that one fated event. All questions come running in my mind that time. I was lost. More questions but no answer, not even one. How he can easily throw that three years just because of a mistake. I always thought it is unfair how he treated me, how he made me feel so small inside. How he suddenly changed. We talked less but steal more glances. And after that he never looked back at me again, he just go on with his life without explaining things. Without talking to me. He just dropped the bomb and leave. Leave like he's never been there.

I hurt him unintentionally. Hated him even. It's just that, I think it is unfair that he will judge me that way and decided to cut me off without hearing my side. We've wasted so many years because of our own little pride and fear. We were young back then and we are mature people now but the pain is still there and I guess there are things we can't mend. Things we can't bring back like it was before and the only thing left to do is to go on with our own life.