Sometimes I hate myself

I was so stupid to believe that there is so much more. That there is so much more in simple Hi's and Hello's. There is so much more in smiles that we exchanged. That there is so much more in your stares and gentleness. You came without warning. You made me fall. Made me believe that a girl like me can be loved the way I dreamed to. You made me feel special. You made me fall deeply, madly, in love with you. And now you're gone without saying a word. Just how cruel can you be? You think I can just act as if nothing happened after all you've done? You think I can cope as easy as you can when you don't even bother explaining yourself? You think I can simply adapt with this sudden change? And if you think I can't pull myself together just because you're gone, think again. I'll prove you wrong. I have had faced too many heartaches before I met you. It's not as if you're the first but I'll make sure that you will be the last.

Brother's In Love

I've been observing my lil bro for a few weeks now. He started listening to love songs, from metallic rock to love song? Creepy. He started singing in showers. Double the creepiness. And yes, he asked advice/signs on how to know if the girl you like, likes you back. And that's enough for me to faint.

At first, I don't welcome the idea. He's still a baby for me (haha who am I kidding? I'm just threatened that I would be the only single one in the family) but reality is he IS growing up. He's taller than me now but of course I am talking about emotional maturity. I just can't picture him with a girl and being lovey-dovey. Gaah! It is his first time to actually, truly like someone. He's been single since birth, never dated, never woo a woman. I always tell him to study first before breaking a woman's fragile heart. And he told me, "Ang hirap kaya para sakin sabihin na crush ko sya." How cute is that?!

I know he is young and should experience a normal adolescence hood and having crushes, bf/gf is normal at this point. But I'm a very protective sister. I think it is pretty normal tho like on how my older siblings been protective over me. I might not show it sometimes but I always, always find the need to know who or what kind of persons they are interacting with. But I don't usually tell them. NO. I never tell them so it's a secret. They will tease me to death on how paranoid I am or it might creep them out haha.

And right now, I'm just excited on how my lil bro's first innocent puppy love will grow.

Someday, somewhere, I swear, I might not be writing about you. Does that scare you? It should. :)

What's worse breaking up or having unrequited love?

In breaking up, there are memories to cherish and they have had  stories together which is hard to forget cos they know it is unlikely to happen again. Even if they don't come back together, the memories and longing will stay there and will remind them of a beautiful love story once told.

Unrequited love? I have had one with my prof. But it's not love at all it's just a simple infatuation that is. It started too fast and ended too soon. And having an unrequited love is fun; stealing gazes, unnecessary talks caused by not so meaningful actions for him but means the world for you. Having someone to look for is a lot more fun than nothing at all.

I do love a lot. But it's just that kind of love-love, love-love not the real love wherein seeing them from a distance is not enough. I miss those stupid butterflies and annoying but romantic gazes. I miss that moment where I never had to ask someone to take my breath away because they had managed to convince me to hand it over freely. I guess not knowing who to love is a beast. It makes you feel empty. And emptiness is such an evil thing. Tell me it is.

That feeling when you want to rush unto someone and give them a bear hug, say no words of comfort but simply stay by his side and listen to all things that he'll say. But you know you can't. You shouldn't. You can't.  And no matter how much it breaks your heart, you simply can't. Why can't I? Knowing that I'm helpless frustrates me most.

Cos you don't know me and I don't wanna creep the hell out of you when I suddenly jump out of nowhere and hug you. I'm not a creeper nor a stalker, just a concerned citizen. :)

CONDOLENCE. I know I won't be able to tell you this face-to-face or in any other way but here. I've been there and I know how it feels. You're a good man with a beautiful soul and I believe, you and your family will get through this. So be strong my little knight. You have a big GOD and your little angel will always be watching you from a distance.

Totoo pala yung nararamdaman mo pag may nakatingi sayo? Yung gusto mo ng lingunin si crush kasi feel mo yung tingin nya pero nahihiya kang gawin? Tapos nung nagkalakas ka ng loob na tignan sya, tinitigan ka nya lalo tapos mag-i-smirk na hindi mo alam kung nang-aasar lang sabay tingi sa iba? Nakakainis na nakakakilig haha. Nagnanakawan kayo ng tingin. Tapos pagnahuli nyo isa't isa patagalan ng titig ulit? Unang kumurap talo. Haha bata?

I enjoyed the simple gestures, simple smiles, simple gaze. I enjoyed the chase or the game we're playing. I enjoyed everything. No matter how platonic or childish or romantic it is, I simply enjoyed it.