Hooray For Today

And I've never been this happy and sad at the same time. Never been this exhausted but contented. I'm so happy it scares me that something might turn wrong and pop this bubble of happiness growing inside me. After 9 years, 9 years of waiting and asking God when will be the next time I will share the same table with my family, finally He answered my, our, prayers. We'll be spending Holidays with my family outside the country. *Doing my tap dance* I'm excited to be in a new place, I do love to travel and enjoy long journey. See new things and eat different foods. I mean who don't want food? But more than anything, I'll finally see my family. I miss how my papa kiss me with his beard, the level of burn in my mom's cooking, my big brother's cuddle when I have nightmares and my sister's chicka and constant tease. It's funny tho how my papa keep on telling my baby bro to look after me. I was like, "Umh hello pa, I'm the older being remember?" Haha but no puns intended yeah he is more mature than I so that's pretty understandable and tolerable in my part.

Happy Holidays everyone! Oh 19th of December please do come smoothly :)

Where's my Happiness?

So when was the last time I made an entry? Ha, and now my 1st November entry is all about me ranting everything. Spare me for that I just need some venting.

I AM UTTERLY FRUSTRATED. Yes you can feel that with my capslock on, right? I've been so so frustrated and vexed since last week. I've never felt this way before. I read that over and over again praying that everything is just a joke, and when I saw the pain painted in his face that's when I realized "Dang! What do I do now?", I don't know what's more depressing the fact that it's already there and I can't do anything but to accept it or the fact that all this time what I've always believed in is a lie? I'm speechless. And clueless. And hopeless. I tried to reason things out but it's pointless. This is exactly why I hate being so attached in something or someone I have no complete control of. And it's been 14 days and I'm still crying my eyes out.

Another thing that eats the little little happiness of my mediocre life is my effing school. Why oh why do you love us so much you won't let us go? Like giving us remedial exam and having less than 5 days to review? Are you sh*tting on me? (I've been cursing a lot, this is not so me but I guess the frustration gets the toll out of me. Sorry not sorry.) And because I love cramming I will open my books 15 hours before the exam.

When I'm AGHSKJMLFHOJ

I know that already. I perfectly know that I am not this and that cos I've been dealing with it for 20 years. I understand it more than anyone else. But why the fvck do you have to rub it in my face like that, you obnoxious creation? You should be ashamed of yourself. If I'm your mommy I will let you face the wall for 8 hours for you to reflect. You're lucky I am not getting all your sweets.

You Annoy Me

I told you not once, not twice to leave me alone. But you stayed and acted as if you didn't hear me. You annoy me. I deliberately say mean things but you think I'm cute being sarcastic. You annoy me. I did things you hate most but you just shrugged it off. You annoy me.

Every morning you greet me. Every night you say words that put me  to sleep. Without any intentions, you're growing in me. Everyday with you is like a natural thing and I never thought that I will miss you in times we're not together. Like the sun kisses the day goodbye, darkness takes place. You annoy me.

You came when I least expect you and left without warning. Now I forgot how it was like before I met you. I don't know how to act and be myself before there was you. You truly are annoying.

Perfect Mess

Have you ever had a dream so poignantly wonderful that waking up felt like an utter pain? So last night, once again you walked in the gates of my dream. Making a perfect mess in my life because of that smile. No one knows how much I cried that day we called it off. I always wish those thoughts to go away. But they won't leave me alone, gripping tighter, eating the light I've been holding on. There are times I don't know what is worse, missing you or knowing the fact that there is nothing I can do. I know I've already let you go, but you know what the saddest part is? It is when I still check my phone at night waiting for a message I'll never had. Thinking if you misses me now that I am gone. And who am I kidding? Of course you don't, cos if you do you would have had contacted me and not wait this long.

Rant Before Exam

We used to be so close when we were in first year. But everything turned awkward after that event. I genuinely don't know why all of a sudden you treated me like an infinitesimal being not even worthy to talk at. We can't even have a civilized conversation and that goes on for so long I almost forgot that we were once close close friends. What changed? I don't know either because I need not to remind you that you won't bother to explain what's wrong.

And after how many years, I demand explanation. Seriously, can't you man up? You made me feel guilty in things I have no control of.

You're just one of the many. You let me fall. And watch me stumble. Wicked.