So Random it Doesn't Make Sense

Talked with my old good friend made me realize that I've wasted one, two many chances. I was oblivious of that fact until she rubbed it in my face. And it is pretty amazing how everyone assumed things, how they can know something about myself that I don't. Shocked is an understatement to describe how I felt when I heard her say it. Maybe I already know it deep down but denies that fact for it scares me, or maybe because I don't really see him in that kind of light. I don't know, I genuinely don't know how I felt four or five years ago, I forgot how I feel about him because all I can remember is how we fall apart. And I think that is sad.

Everyone thought that way and maybe he did too. And now that bubble of questions that haunts me for years finally comes to conclusion.

All this time I hated him for treating me coldly after that one fated event. All questions come running in my mind that time. I was lost. More questions but no answer, not even one. How he can easily throw that three years just because of a mistake. I always thought it is unfair how he treated me, how he made me feel so small inside. How he suddenly changed. We talked less but steal more glances. And after that he never looked back at me again, he just go on with his life without explaining things. Without talking to me. He just dropped the bomb and leave. Leave like he's never been there.

I hurt him unintentionally. Hated him even. It's just that, I think it is unfair that he will judge me that way and decided to cut me off without hearing my side. We've wasted so many years because of our own little pride and fear. We were young back then and we are mature people now but the pain is still there and I guess there are things we can't mend. Things we can't bring back like it was before and the only thing left to do is to go on with our own life.

Just when I though I couldn't love you more Eddie.

He look so perfect here.

He's dancing in my favorite song.

He never dance. Never. Until the release of this one.

All claps and hugs Ed.

You're a true artist and now a ... dancer? :)

Shings

Tinatanong kung bakit daw wala pa akong boyfriend, choosy daw ba ako. Napa 'like omg' naman yung mukha ko. Bakit maganda para mag-inarte? Haha. Well actually aside from the fact na natatakot ako to enter in a relationship e yung taong gusto ko ang tagal gumalaw, daig pa na-stroke kung umarte. Minsan gusto ko na ngang sabihin na hindi magiging tayo kung hanggang tingin ka na lang, ako pa nga ata hinihintay manligaw haha. Let's get serious na nga, takot ako because I'm very jealous and extremely clingy I might drive the poor guy crazy in a week. Besides my idea of a boyfriend is far from what the world dictates, loving someone in a child's point of view that is. Like no ranging hormones or grim reality. For me a bf is someone I can be weird with, openly talk about everything and when I said everything it means E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Will listen to me, actually listens not because he wants to please me. Someone who will read books with me while sharing a cup of coffee. Someone I can be silent with and won't feel awkward about it. Ganun daw kasi yun e, it takes 5 secs to make silence awkward so if we can share a silence we're both comfortable of then that's a good sign of familiarity. Yung hindi maarte na kahit hindi maayos ang kilay ko still thinks I'm pretty.

And I want someone na laging anjan at hindi yung parang kabuteng susulpot at mawawala ng walang paalam. Consistent. But I guess yung guy na gusto ko e hindi pa kayang gampanan lahat yun. He's busy with his life. With his own reality so let him be.

Oh and btw, what scares me most is the fact that I don't know how to kiss haha. I mean is it something you learn or something you know all along? Gaah I really dont' t know how to kiss to save my life haha. Can I have a platonic relationship? I mean is there anyone who's ok with no-kissing-till-we-get-married rule? I think I'm an old soul so spare me with that.

-----Ang daming sinabi isa lang naman yung tinatanong. Oh well I'm a woman so you should know by now :)

Gray

It's been so long since we've last met, I'm afraid I might forget the shape of your face. The size of your eyes, how pointy those nose are. How flawless you brush your hair, the smell of your perfume that lingers even when you leave. The way you talk, how you smile that hides your eyes, your voice when you sing. How you pluck your guitar and your silly jokes. I'm afraid I might forget them all but whenever I close my eyes before I sleep, I can see you standing close to me wearing that warm smile and all the feelings begin to unfold once again. The feeling I got when we first met. It's there. I forget you not.

Mixed

It's been a roller coaster ride these past few months. Finding comfort with strangers, making friends in the most unexpected ways. Doing things I never thought I can, saying things that's been long forgotten. Conversations I've made in my mind coming into reality. Been in a series of depression and anxiety but my family are always there to be my stronghold. Finding inspiration and discovering new things. It's exhausting but the things I've learned compensate everything and makes every moment worth keeping.

May 6, 2014. Tuesday. One of the biggest shock in our life happened. My grandfather passed away. No one expects it, yes his body has been weak and he has been in bed for almost 4 months but he took medications and he was well taken care of. So it was an utter shock considering na hindi s'ya dumadaing from any pain except for his knees because of arthritis.

Seeing him at the end of his bed, kneeling gives me so much fear. I prayed hard that this isn't real but it is, it was. He's not breathing. And I can't even wipe my tears away. The pain is unreal.

He's been good to us. Yes he was a womanizer, a drunkard even. When we go there for vacations when I was in elementary he will go home every night drunk. He throws his wooden chair then my grandma will pull us in our neighbor so my lil brother and I won't see the whole picture. And when he calmed down we will go in our rooms and sleep.

He's not perfect. He had been in so many ups and downs in his life. He has flaws but he always take care of us. Lagi s'yang nagpupukpok ng kasoy tuwing uuwi kami, may kendi sa bulsa so whenever lalapit kami sa kanya may mailalabas s'ya. Iniihawan n'ya din kami ng mais, pinagbabalat pa ng saging pagkatapos magtanghalian. He always see us off in the bridge pagpauwi na and when dadalaw kami andun na din s'ya naghihintay sa tulay. Lagi din naming hinihiram yung bike n'ya and we always watch tv in the afternoon.

The first image that comes in my mind whenever we talk about him was when I saw him grilling some cashew nuts. When he saw me he made a shh sign and I nodded and run thinking 'yehey may kasoy ulit!'.  That and not the picture of him throwing chair when he's drunk. That and not him lying in bed asking for some water or his wallet. That and his little ways of making us smile. That's my grandpa, he loves to spoil us and make surprises. I will miss everything about him. He will always have that place in my heart no one can ever replace.

He might not be a good person but he's always, always been a good grandfather to us. And a good father to his sons and daughter. We love him in his flaws and imperfection. We love him even tho he's always drunk at night and pagbubuntungan ng galit ang lola namin. We love him even tho he's a womanizer. And we love him more when he embrace Jesus in his life.

He accepted Jesus Christ as our savior when he is turning 70, a great reminder that it is never too late to be saved and know His greatness. He's a changed man on the day he first step in the Church. He is a new person when he first sing praises and read the bible by heart. He is a better man when he became a servant of God. And it always brings me tears how great God worked in my grandfather's life. He repent and never repeat his past mistakes. He is a great man and I can't love him more.

Yes it is painful and sad. Yes we will grieve. We'll cry in the night remembering him. But we'll move on knowing that he's victorious. Victorious with the Father. He is in the promise land. His journey here is over but he will live an eternal life with Our Father in Heaven. And he will always be in our hearts.

I thought hearing your voice in the morning can light up my dying grip to happiness but why does it breaks my heart? You of all people. Thank you for ruining my day.