Oh My Potatoes

There is this guy whom I've keep on rejecting for 3 years. There are times that I enjoys his company, times that he bores me. Times when I feel his sincerity and times that feels like he is lacking. Times that he thrills me and times that he annoys me. I just can't see him as a boyfriend material or anything, just a friend.

I met him in my senior year. My friend had a crush on him. She told me that she always caught him looking in her way so we assumed that he also likes her. Days passed and it turned out that he had a crush on me. I was all like "Seriously?". I'm not flattered at all. It simply riddles me on what it is that he sees in me. I never talked to him let alone made an eye contact. It turns out that it is me he's looking for every time and not my friend. I just shrugged the idea off because I don't like him and I love my friend. But it is okay with my friend though because she's in a relationship during those time and it's just a simple infatuation. And she assured me that she's cool with it.

Then he tried to court me but I always say NO without second thought. It is not because of my friend, but I just simply don't like him in a romantic level. This goes on for years. And recently he's going out with someone. He found someone whom he treasures so much and that girl also cares for him. I am genuinely happy for him, I really am. But sometimes I feel a sudden pang of jealous and regret. Seeing them happy and in love makes me wonder and continuous what ifs is running in my mind. But I know it is me and my cowardice's fault why I have these feelings of regret. I can only blame myself for that and forever wonder what if I just say YES.

I adore people who

remembers what I say,

even though I'm just blabbering.

It just shows how much attention they're giving me.

Blessed

I've got all the pampering, cuddling, giggling and understanding with these people.They know how to spoil me and it scares me that I might get use to it and ask for more. :)

They are my girlfriends & boyfriends, enemies at time, inspirations, brothers & sisters, partners in crime, keepers and yes they are the crankiest, sweetest and best friends I ever had. :D

I have no intention of staying in a relationship where there is more tears than laughter.

Let go.

Why are we so afraid to let go? If that person no longer appreciate or respect you, you have to be brave and let them go. If your relationship with that person is not as happy, exciting and worth it as it was before, let it go. Haven't you think that maybe you'll be happier if you just turn your back and walk away from their lives? If they don't wanna be part of your life, let them be. For if you will insist of keeping them, refuse to let go like a child clinging in their mothers' dress, then you might as well get a rabbit and cage it and put it in the highest place of your cabinet. Can't you see? Letting go does not necessarily mean that you're ungrateful, it just shows that you learned that staying with them is not the best choice for you and it'll just consume you in the end. Your years staying with them is not a waste, whether you admit it or not you learned from them. Discover your inner self with their help. Letting go is not the end, it will open new doors and great possibilities for you. So never be afraid to let go. But be wise enough to know which one is no longer worth keeping.

Pain of holding on 

is more painful than

the pain of letting go.

I won't apologize for something I don't regret.

Crazy

How can I ever open up on something even I can't accept? Have it ever crossed your mind that maybe, just maybe I am having a hard time dealing with my own demons inside and just needed  some time to analyze my situations and steps to make and when I'm enlightened a little I will tell you everything? I've always, ALWAYS run to you and tell you everything even the silliest and stupidest ideas in my mind, but we all come to that point where in we want to keep things for ourselves for awhile. Everybody have a secret and there are things I want to sort out alone. So if you're acting strange about me thinking I don't trust you enough for that one mistake, I don't even consider it a mistake urgh, Fine! I can deal with it, can you?

Spotted

Had a fun, fun, fun day last March 24 with my close friends. The Hunger Games, Logos, Pizza hut, strolling, picture taking, laughing and LOTS of walking! Its been years since I've last seen them and we act as if it's only yesterday since we've seen each other. Nothing beats high school friends and memories. :)

Dream Romance

I want a real man not a boy. I'd rather live without a man than to marry a boy. I am looking for a long term relationship and not in need of a summer fling. A man who'll look pass through physical appearance and all my insecurities. Someone who can protect me not only when someone is looking around. A true gentleman. A man who acknowledges their mistakes and say sorry and mean it. Someone who is calm and tolerate me when I am throwing tantrums and just needing his attention. Gives me compliment when I made something in my full effort. Tells me I'm beautiful even in days that I looked like a damn truck. A man who is not ashamed to show his true feelings, who'll show that he is in pain and not holding back his tears to show how genuine he is. And can talk to me all things going on in his mind. Someone who can listen to all my frustrations, dreams, pains and happiness the same way I will listen to his. Someone who will respect me the way he does with his mother. Someone who'll hold my hands and gently hug me when I go all mad.  Someone who love to have a playful kiss, a fresh start, giggling and fighting everyday. Ignoring each other and afterwards come running back to each others arms. And lastly someone I can share my dream breakfast: eating bacon, pancakes, waffles and hot chocolate while watching a beautiful sunrise. <3

Girl Inlove

What's with the new haircut? Haha like seriously I'm not talking about MY hair it is HIS hair. The guy whom I've been crushing on for how many months now, had his hair cut like Zayn Malik of 1D. I know I sound trivial or pathetic, but there's no helping it, I LOVE his new hair. It gives him that sultry look and when he plays his guitar, damn! I'm melting. I basically lost count on how many times I bit my lips or the insides of my cheeks to refrain myself from smiling like a fool. Our eyes met and I'm sure of it. I'm not assuming anything cos I happen to know the concept of eye contact. And it happened 4 times for it to be called coincidence. Haha do I sound like I'm justifying my words or you think it's just me and my wishful thinking and I'm overly talented in reading between the lines? Ohh well, it's up to you to decide and for now let me savor that fleeting moments. I remember our first direct eye contact, it made me weak down to my knees and I'm the first one to look away in that eerie seconds. And I know I sound like an idiot for you who thinks this is no longer a simple infatuation but an obsession to cure. Don't worry I'll get over him like I always did in the past. So for now, bear with me even though I'm not making any sense.

I think I just like him from a child's viewpoint. No raging hormones or influence of grim reality. It's solely platonic.... and yes one-sided, AS OF NOW. Haha never say die, eh?And for me, adoring someone from afar is the cutest, sweetest, most painful and creepiest way to like someone. (Ok cross out the latter, I'm not a freaking stalker I'm a researcher).

Pretending you've moved on when in reality,

you're still clinging in your past,

dwelling in your memories and still hoping for a second chance.

Pains in the past

I thought our bond of friendship is way stronger than their bond of so-called love. Thinking that all girls in love have the tendency to go crazy for the that one guy is normal, I let her be because by the end of the day I know she'll come back to us like she always did. And so I thought. Then the shocking truth slapped us, hard. He stole her from us. From her mind, down to her heart and corrupted her innocence. And the consequences of their actions bear a child in her womb.

At first it's an utter shock, we are painfully shocked. As days passed by, after several confrontations, more cries and few talks, I thought I can be fine with it and nothing will change. I have made a perfect conclusion in my mind that no matter what I think and feel won't affect the situation because it's already there and there is nothing I can do about it. So I might as well accept the things going around me, be happy for them and show my support for she needed it. Hating the situation or the persons involved will only consume me and pester me. All the negative emotions I have will only devour me not them. So, let it go.

I learned to let go of all those negative thoughts and be happy for other people even though sometimes it hurts. I don't even know what's more painful, knowing that she'll be a teen mom and the road of being a mother in such an early age requires a strong heart or is it for the fact that I'm older than her, even though it's only a year, yet she's more experienced than I am? :))

Dreams

I wanna go parasailing. :) For once I want to be daring and do something that's out of my rhythm or anything that's out of ordinary. Try skydiving to test my valor or perhaps scuba diving but maybe I should take swimming lessons first before doing that. Travel the world but I guess Europe will be more than enough. Ahh I'm so inlove with Europe for no apparent reason. I'll travel alone and meet new people and hopefully learn from them. Someone told me that traveling alone is not as tedious as it sounds. Ironically, you'll learn and discover more about yourself when you're alone. And me being an introvert thinks that her suggestion is genius. And maybe somehow it'll improve my communication and social skills. Thinking about it enthralls me. But as of now, I must focus on what I am entitled to do to turn these dreams into reality. Study hard!

Giddy

Aside from the obvious that I am fixated on Zayn Malik, 

I adore guys that like dogs or any pet. 

It just shows that they love to cuddle, caring and responsible. :)

CRAP

There are times when I don't know how to react.

Times that I'm running out of words when I have so many things going on in my mind.

Times when I want to be alone.

Times when I want to be in a group, not to talk but to observe.

Times when I want to sing but only have courage to do so in the shower room.

Times when I build a wall and expecting someone to destroy it for me,

and when someone is close to crashing it, I will make it higher.

Times when I completely shut myself out of the world and reality it brings.

Times when I thought I'm different but then again realized that everyone is the same.

We all share the same pain and happiness.

We just don't know it yet.

Piece of thought

I adore the idea of love, weddings, marriage and family. But I don't have intention of having any of that anytime soon. I know what I'm made of, I know what I want and I know my goals. I'm still young, so why not enjoy myself first? Ourselves first? Explore the world on our own and discover things for ourselves before taking another step forward? Settle for good when you know you're ready for the weight of responsibilities, when you're tired of being alone in your journey and decided to find that certain someone to be with you along your way, not when you're just temporarily in need of someone when you know in the end you'll toss away. Besides, what's with the rush? Enjoy thy freedom. Love yourself so that others can love you the way you want them too.