Odious

*Sigh

I think I am caught up between reality and all I've ever dreamed of. Maybe things around me aren't as picturesque as I paint it to be. I pretend that everything's alright and that it'll be fine by tomorrow consumes me. This game scares me to bones cos I'm aware of my tragic loss.

There are times that I don't even know the real me. Am I the funny and outgoing type or the quiet and deep one, or maybe a mixture of both? I don't know thinking about it scares me too. I guess I have so many fears then. Fear to talk, to open up, to crawl out of my comfort zone. So I over compensate on being a good listener. Tell me, is that bad?

I don't know either. I thought I am very vocal or at least I used to. Maybe I open up too much before and learned my lesson so decided to hide in my shell now for good? Well, I don't know I'm still confuse on since when I became like this or maybe I am always like this to begin with?

My friends told me once that I am too secretive. And I am aware of that. There are things that I am actually itching to tell them since they've become utterly open to me, but then decided not to. Something stops me. It's not because I don't trust them. For heavens sake, I trust them with all my life and there is no doubting it. I know it is me. I know that something's wrong with me and I can't point it out but I know there is. It makes me feel guilty making them feel that way.

I have lots of shortcomings but I am trying to improve myself and for once be strong to say what I truly think, to share my stories like they want me to.